Saturday, July 6, 2013

A long time coming....

Life has been busy. I work. . . A lot. I'm tired all of the time. I've faced tons of fears. I got all of my teeth fixed over the last two months...for someone who is terrified of dentists that's a big thing. the first appointment I had a panics attack...the last one I rocked out listening to music...big change.

I have money now... Not tons but I can afford things. I can go places and do things. I don't have to worry about money all of the time. . . And yet I'm still not very happy.

And many people say I'm not happy for this reason or that but the truth is that unhappiness is from within. Was I more happy in a relationship? Yes. . But I was still unhappy. I didn't have a job..no money...no ambition....now I have all of those things and no boyfriend....there will always be something we don't have. I have been working at reducing my physical belongings because I just have too much shit and I realized none of it makes me happy....none of it at all...

Wait I have one possession that does make me happy...my kindle ...no not kindle fire ...kindle keyboard...cheap one that is just for reading books. It was a 30 year birthday present to myself and I love it because I love to read. Reading makes me happy.

I look at pictures of myself..much heavier and I see sadness about that. I see sadness about not caring about myself. Now I buy clothing and other nice things for myself. I feel good about myself. I'm not 100% there but I will get there.

This whole loving myself thing has been a very long time coming... Very long. I'm redefining everything I know about me. Who am I? What do I really want? What a,mi going to do with this new life of mine? What can I do now that I don't have to worry about one man controlling everything I do? I have no fuckin clue but it's a hell of a ride finding out.

I still haven't played a video game and wonder about selling all my gaming stuff but once upon a time it made me happy and I would like it to do that again.

Monday, May 6, 2013

forgiveness

I forgive you. I let go of all the hurt and pain and anguish that my heart and soul have been through for the last year. I forgive myself for caring, for allowing myself to stoop down to your level. I forgive you for not telling me you were no longer in love with me. I forgive you for hurting me so much. I forgive you for ruining part of Seth's childhood.

I forgive you for ruining every Mother's Day and birthday I have had for the last ten years. I forgive you for every time you raised your voice at me or cursed at me or made me feel less than human. I forgive you for all the ER trips I made with Seth alone...I forgive you for not being there for every sleep study and surgery and doctors appointment.

I forgive ten years of hate. I forgive ten years of anger. I forgive ten years of walking on egg shells. I forgive ten years of abuse. I forgive ten years of cooking and cleaning and laundry and not being treated with a shred of decency.

Andrew, I forgive you.

I won't forget. I won't go back. I will continue forward. Forgiveness is not something you will ever be aware of. . .just me. You don't deserve forgiveness but I deserve to be mentally and emotionally free of you so I'm granting it.

There is no revenge, no grandiose plan to make your life a living hell, though I could if I so wished, just forgiveness and indifference.

You don't matter in my life any longer. You hold no power of me. The best revenge I can seek is the one who have already inflected on yourself. . .

You are alone. You are lonely. You are a man who is completely dependent on a woman to have a functional life. You are sat and pathetic and weak and I was your scaffolding for too many years. Without me you have crumbled. Without you I have flourished.

There will always be a small space in my heart for you...but it doesn't have to be in my head as well.

Goodbye Andrew.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

how does Seth feel?

This blog has dealt with my feelings about Down Syndrome and single motherhood and a while other random ideas and thoughts and opinions that kind of scattered their way onto here...but I've never asked myself one question...how does Seth feel about having Down Syndrome? How does Seth feel about mommy and daddy not living together anymore?
How does Seth deal with not seeing me everyday now that I'm working? How does he deal with spending time with grandpa after school or living in a new home or having to go to daddy's house every other weekend? How does he deal? What is going on up in the head of his?

What could Seth tell me if he were able to?

I know he's happy. I know he's as healthy as I can keep him. I know he loves Grandma and Grandpa. I know that he misses his dad. I know that he knows that I'm sad. I know that he knows that I'm gone more than I used to be and is a bit clingy. I know that for the last three months he has slept in my bed every night because he doesn't want to sleep on his own. I know that he screams "no" a bit more than he used to, doesn't look forward to school as much as he used to and is generally a bit more obstinate.

I know that no matter what I do I can't be mom and dad for him. I know that I can't make up for a whole other person being mostly missing from his life. I know I can't financially provide for him as I used to with my ex. I know that he doesn't like our new home and living situation. I know that he misses his own room in his old home. I know he misses not waking up to the sound of dogs barking.

I don't know if he'll ever understand what DS is or means for him. It's all he knows. It's an essential part of his genetic makeup. And sometimes I feel like he is so incredibly gifted and smart that he must know that he's different... that his mind doesn't work the same as others.. and other times I pray that he isn't smart enough to realize that.

I've felt different my whole life. . . and I've hated it. And it is no surprise that these DS issues hit me hard because it reflects all the issues I have had growing up. I never fit it. . . I never belonged. I always felt like a stranger in my own skin. I lived in a world in my own head and I still do everyday. I never talk about my true feelings...or I do with very few people.

I didn't want that for my child, for any child I might have had. And here I am with a child who is most definitely genetically different from the norm.

And I'm scared that I'm raising him in an even more abnormal unstable environment which will add more to his "uniqueness".

Am I really raising the kid with DS who will love Star Wars and Doctor Who and metal music and enjoy reading fine literature and playing video games and going skateboarding?

Am I the mom with the bright red hair and the strange clothes, who quotes Shakespeare and can kick your ass at video games? Or the one who will wait hours in line for the new superhero movie or fantasy novel? 

I guess I am.....

I have to figure it out.

Seth and I.... the very odd pair we are. What a sensation we will make. I guess we are going out in the world to stir some shit up. No more labels. No more identifiers. No more DS or geek or strange or weird or normal or typical or anything.

Just two people.....Shanna and Seth.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

being a single mom on Mother's Day....

Next Sunday is Mother's Day. When I first found out I was becoming a mother it was a week before Mother's Day and my ex and I have a mini celebration where it was like this amazing secret that we got to keep all for ourselves, for at least a little while. Nothing could keep a smile off my face while we sat in the backyard and ate cheeseburgers with mushrooms, bacon and cheddar, because it was exactly what I was craving at three weeks pregnant.

And last year, last year on Mother's Day I was given my final respects, my ex took me and his mother out for sushi and when we got home I couldn't keep up the facade anymore, I had to break the news to her. I broke the news to her that her son and I were breaking up after ten years of being together. And I didn't tell her it was because my ex was in love with someone else, or because he had told me he stopped loving me years ago and only stuck around because of Seth or because I had cheated on my ex five years ago and now that he was unhappy he was suddenly going to use that against me, even though he had claimed to forgive me, claimed to still love me, claimed to want to work things out and I swear we did.....or so I thought.

So Mother's Day. I have no one to wake up extra early and make breakfast for me with Seth. I have no one to bring Seth to the store and have him pick out a special card for me. I have no one telling me to relax and take it easy because it's Mother's Day. No gifts, no sleeping late, no back massages, no special treatment..nothing at all.

No. I have an ex whose girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or fuck buddy or whatever the fuck they are calling each other these days...I have her writing on his calendar that Mother's Day is their one year anniversary. MY FUCKIN' DAY.

Mine. Not hers. Not anyone else. MINE.

She is not a mother, she is not fit to be a mother, she should never, ever have or be around children.

Whereas I, I never wanted to be a mom. And now I can't imagine a life without being one. I can't imagine not hearing Seth's voice everyday and seeing his smile. I can't imagine not having pudding in my pantry and juice in my fridge. I can't imagine not seeing his toys everywhere.

I never wanted to be a mom but I'm a damn good one. I've done all the research, all the doctors appointments and therapies and emergency room trips and surgeries and hospital stays and I've stayed up nights crying over the fate of one little soul...one very helpless little soul and I've begged God to help me figure it all the fuck out. And I became an awesome mom because I've done all of this.

And someone else...this bitch...is going to get the benefit of celebrating on MY day. A day I've earned. Because so many people can have babies but very few of those people can become mothers, real mothers, the ones that love and care and can't breathe and stop and think until they've done all that they can.

Being single on Mother's Day hurts, it hurts on normal days. I know that my ex is not going to do anything for me or have Seth do anything for me and that hurts. Because even if you don't love me anymore you should take the time to realize that without me Seth wouldn't be.

Without me Seth wouldn't be awesome. He wouldn't be reading. He wouldn't be signing over 300 words. He wouldn't be healthy. He might not even be alive if it weren't for me. I've saved Seth in so many ways, emotionally, physically, mentally that I can't imagine what type of child Seth would be if I weren't there to mold him.

Seth is an awesome child. . . and I'm beyond blessed to be his mom. I just never intended to walk this path alone, to make this journey by myself. . . and I hate it. I hate not having anyone to talk to at the end of the day when life is just too hard. I hate not having someone to hold me when I cry because Seth can't or won't do something. I hate having to feel strong all the damn fucking time because there is no one else to lean on.

I hate it.

So this Mother's Day make it a point to think of all the single moms....all those moms hating that it's Mother's Day because believe me I am going to hate it. . . I've been dreading it for weeks now. Think of all they go through everyday and all they yet to go through. And then instead of feeling bad for them, instead of being sorry, if you know any of them ask them if they would like a day off or an hour or if they need help with something. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need to talk. Ask them if they need a babysitter. Tell them they are awesome. Tell them they are doing the best job ever. Tell them that they are strong and can do it.

Because we don't think we can. Because there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. Because we're tired. Because we're sad. Because there is an unbearable loneliness weighing on our souls that not even our awesome children can fill.

Because we are single mothers and most of us didn't go into this position willingly.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Happy Birthday Asshole

Happy conception day douchebag....ironically it's not only your birthday but the day that our son was conceieved. I remember it well, more than I should. So the day our son was conceived, yep the son you forsook when you has sex with another woman in the apartment we shared you worthless piece of horse manure.

Fuck you for every birthday of mine you have ruined and for everything you did with her that you were unwilling to do with me, fuck you for all of the lies, the pain, the torment, the basic assholish fuckery that I had to deal with for the past ten fuckin years. Fuck you. Fuck you up the ass so hard. I wish you more pain than you can ever fucking imagine.

I was sweet once, not innocent, but sweet. I was happy and pure and unaware of the pain associated with heartbreak. I was like a newly forged clay pot. So fresh. No holes or dents or cracks orscratches. Then you broke my heart and created the biggest fucking crack in my pot...and as much as I cover it with plaster or fill it in, it will never be that clay fucking pot again.

I am forever damaged and all I want to do, all I really want to do, is to keep filling that hole with pieces of your flesh, your blood, with bits of your soul until those holes are bursting at the fucking seams. And I've done that, and that crack seemed to hunger, to yearn, instead of filling it thrives on blood and gore and hate and this lust for blood and flesh and anything else I can tear off your body.

This crack thrived on darkness and madness..the crack didn't fill...it splintered into a million other cracks furthering the damage done to that clay pot.

So here I am, full of cracks, of darkness, and I can't go back to being shiny and new again, nor would I want to. But this claypot is getting very difficult to hold water and be half full. This clay pot doesn't have the capacity it once did. This clay pot isn't wanted by people anymore because it is not beautiful. It sits on the shelf, watching the world pass it by, wanting so desperately to take another trip to the well to become full again.

I will never feel full again.


Monday, April 15, 2013

on change....

It's no secret that I've changed...a lot....and it's hard to do and it's stressful and I thought I hated it. And now I look back at the past year....and it's very hard to see where I've come from.

But this new Shanna, the one that looked at herself this morning in the mirror, well she didn't seem the least bit familiar....and that made me incredibly sad.

As much as I've changed, as much as I've become better, I still like that old Shanna, I still wanted to retain a piece of her. I've spent the last year trying to run away from that Shanna, the one that got really, really hurt and didn't want to be Shanna anymore.

I lost 45lbs, dyed my hair blonde, cut my hair really short, started wearing different clothes, stopped playing video games.....just way, way too much. I went too far. I lost myself.

And as strange as it may sound, the one thing that has been bothering me, the one thing I've changed the most in my life, my hair, it's been on my mind. I've tried it all lately. Blonde the brown then more blonde and it's crazy.

And then I realized....I like my red hair....no fuck that, I LOVE my red hair. I want to be that redhead girl again. I like that person.

Something so very simple that I had attached to my personality, to a set of characteristics that were inherently mine....and one of those things just happens to be having red hair. I was called "red" for years by several people and still am....that's how much it identifies me.

So I'm sitting here with the second round of hair dye on because the first round turned my blonde hair pink....fucking pink....really? Ok so round two... twenty more minutes to go.

That Shanna is very, very far away, but I still can keep bits and pieces of her without sacrificing the person I have become.

I can still have red hair, I can still like video games, I can still watch our (yes our) favorite shows and not have to feel like I'm mourning that person sitting beside me, I can enjoy them alone. I don't have to stop myself from saying "we" when I talk about stuff that my ex and I have done or are doing for Seth. "We" do do those things. I may do more, but "we" are still Seth's parents. I can still call him and discuss our son. I can still have Easter dinner at his moms house because we are fucking cool like that. I can still care about his family because I've known them for ten damn years.

And I can still have red hair and not love my ex.

And next week is my ex's birthday....and I don't have to buy him a fuckin gift either. I stood there on line in Target yesterday, I was buying several things, but there I was, last item in hand, a Green Lantern tshirt for him. And I dropped it in the fucking basket (you know the one that all those chips go in when people are judging you and what you are buying) and told myself "hell fucking no". I don't have to do that. I don't have the be the only person who gives a fuck for him anymore....I'm done being THAT Shanna.

So I'm Shanna...I'm Shanna the redhead....and I fucking love it.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

my life imposed Lent

I'm baptized Roman Catholic but I'm not a good little Catholic girl like I should be. I know a lot about the holidays and Lent and Easter and whatnot, but I don't necessarily celebrate or partake in them. I was thinking about Lent this year, I was going to give up thinking about my ex and the many ways in which I could kill him...but then life kind of got in the way. And I realized that life imposed it's own kind of Lent on me.

I got a job three weeks ago...this is my fourth week working. I haven't worked in over six years, haven't done anything but be a mom and nurse and laundry person and person cook and masseuse and teacher and physical therapist and speech therapist and doctor and so many other roles that a mom has to take on, not only just a mom of a child with special needs.

So I work at a daycare now...I'm their teacher and that doesn't mean I just teach. For about 50 hours a week I'm changing diapers, overseeing breakfast, lunch and snack, controlling games and activities and arts and crafts, changing diapers, initiating nap time, administering discipline and the many other things that go along with my job. Did I mention that I change diapers???

I like my job. I enjoy the kids so much. And in so many ways it's like raising the kid that Seth never was. These are typical kids. Kids that can speak and walk and play and run and that aren't always sick. And it made me realize how much I do want another child of my own. . . a typical child....one day.

So about Lent. . .  I worked 50 hours a week, I got sick, I lost my voice, I took care of Seth, Seth was with his dad all of spring break, Seth got sick with a bad ear infection, I got to have a great sushi dinner with a good friend, I remembered my own self worth.....and in a way I got my Lent.

Lent is a period that shows you about yourself. That makes you realize that you are something stronger than what you thought yourself to be. I know I am strong, people tell me all the time, people see my strength, but part of having strength is not always feeling strong, but pretending to be strong. Because these last three weeks I have not wanted to be strong, I've wanted to dig my head in the sand and pretend that the last year had never happened, that I was in the bed with Andrew again and that Seth was sound asleep in the other room.

And every morning when I woke up alone and every night I came home to a different home with my mom and dad and Seth waiting for me, I felt a twinge of sadness, and some nights tears did come and I let them flow.

But this is a chance for a new Shanna, a new life, a new start and just knowing that I can do it all, that I have been doing it all for so long. . . this renewed confidence in myself knowing that I'm so capable. I've not felt like this in a very, very long time.

So life imposed my Lent. I started my new job which taught me that I can do more and be more without some asshole loser in my life. I don't need him to feel good about myself. I don't need anyone to tell me how I should look or talk or act or be like....I'm like me now.

And as much as I miss my old life, and I really, really do, I would never give it up for this feeling of pride I have in myself right now. That is worth a million Andrews, a million kisses, a million hugs and a million meaningless nothings whispered in my ear.

And my first paycheck felt like a million bucks. . . and I'm so going to enjoy spending my own money without worrying about anyone else or needing support from others. Let them say that Shanna can do it all by herself and that she is absolutely fucking amazing. Let them say that there is nothing she can't do when she puts her mind to it. And let them say that Shanna is one of the most intimidating people in this this world because there is NOTHING on or in this world that can get her down.

Let them say that this is just one more medal of honor that she has to show off after the many she has already obtained.

Let them fucking try to get me down again and watch what the fuck I do. I'll be fucking fantastic.