Saturday, June 11, 2011

The roles I play . . .

I'm many, many things, I fit into various roles of mother, teacher, friend, spouse, daughter, sister and at times juggling all those roles is very overwhelming.

I think they have become more so since Seth was born. Becoming a mom is an evolution of ones self, it changes everything you think and feel about yourself. You are this very selfish person and then your life all of a sudden becomes dedicated to this one little person, a little person with so very many needs. You also become a mom and your relationship with your parents change. Some parents think they are the authority and you find yourself questioning your childhood and vowing to make your child's life better. Or you find yourself resenting the parental advice your parents give you. With your spouse you find yourself having conversations about rules and guidelines and baby names and so much shit that you never thought you would have to deal with. You have mommy friends and friends that aren't moms and some of them don't like the fact that you have become a mother. I've lost a few friends since this journey into motherhood.

But now, 3 1/2 years later, I find myself questioning the roles, roles I never really felt quite comfortable in. I'm not comfortable being a SAHM. Yeah I pretty much dislike being a SAHM, everything but the mom part. I'm good at being a mom. More specifically I'm good at being Seth's mom. I'm not good at the rest of the implications of being a SAHM. I don't do domesticity well. And lately it's been getting to me. The constant pileup of dishes, the laundry, the constant mess that amasses in every corner of our apartment. The walls are closing in, I need air, I can't get out . . . I hate it.

I know I sound like such an ungrateful person. I'm not. I'm appreciative that I'm able to stay home, that I can be here for Seth when he needs me . . . but there is a voice inside my head that started out as a whisper and has suddenly upped its volume, a voice saying "you aren't complete". "You aren't leading a full life." "You can do so much more." This voice in my head taunts me.

The voice speaks of a life I had before Seth, of all the plans and missed opportunities and unfinished projects. It speaks of freedom. It speaks of not planning every moment of every day around a child. It speaks of not being on call 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. It speaks of quiet and peace and tranquility of the mind.

My mind isn't silent anymore. I can't get it to stop. Wheels are constantly turning, I'm constantly planning . . . and none of it is about me or my happiness. Where did I go in my life? Where do I belong on my list of priorities. Because I'm not #1 or even #2. I'm down below the laundry and dishes and shopping and cooking and all the mundane shit that is supposed to make me happy. Supposed to make me feel like life is stable and things are good. Am I just bored? Or am I really not fulfilling an intrinsic part of me that says "Shanna you can do more, be more." ? I don't know.

How do I get back on my own list?

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