Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ahhh fuck. . . it has to be said. . .

I hate Kelle Hampton. There. Yep I'm still harping on this. Why you may ask? Well I hate overly happy people. Perhaps hate is a very strong word and I shouldn't be using it but . . . there it is. I'm 28 . . . hate is still in my immature emotional vocabulary.

So why do I hate her? I hate her hair, her perfect pictures, her house, her pool, her constant beach trips, I hate tons of pictures of kids with ice-cream (we get it . . .kids with messy ice-cream is supposed to be cute and normal - but you aren't), I hate the fact that this is a person that I'm told to admire and yet I see nothing of myself or my family in her and hers.

Where are the fucked up pictures?? The booger pictures? The crying pictures? The your child is so sick and in the hospital pictures? The red cheeked and red eyed ones? Where are the pics of the tired mom and dad that haven't quite got it all figured out yet?

That's right. . . they're on my computer. They're of my life. They are of my reality, my daily struggle for those few happy moments but I'm not going to make believe that those constant happy moments make up my day. They don't.

There is laundry and dishes and baths and shit and piss and vomit and tons more stuff . . .more than this one person can handle.

So back to me hating happy people. I'm a pessimist. I'm sarcastic, I always see the "down" side of things (there's that pun again!). I think people have ulterior motives, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've always been like that and lately I've been trying to change it . . . but I can't. It's not like I'm not a fun person to be around, I'm just . . . different? Weird? Strange? Odd? I'm the odd man (woman) out in many ways in my life.

Why am I harping on this? Most people would say it's because I'm jealous. Well I'm not, I like my life, I do. I'm just angry that the poster mom for a child with Down Syndrome seems to be saying it all wrong. Seems to be giving all of the good and none of the not so good. None of the messy. I like messy, I live in messy, I THRIVE in messy. LIFE IS MESSY.

But Seth is getting to me lately. Not Seth himself but his . . . let's call them quirks. DS quirks if you shall. Lots of kids with DS have stims (look it up if you don't know what that is!) and Seth has his share of them . . . but lately they are getting to me. They really are. The constant hair twirling and thumb sucking/gnawing and obsession with balls and things that spin and roll and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm frustrated. No it's not Autism, although there are cases of a dual diagnosis of DS and Autism, but this isn't the case with Seth. He just has a lot of sensory issues and self comfort issues and I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. Perhaps this is why Kelle Hampton's perfection is irking me.

I caught myself today, I caught myself asking him "Why can't you just act normal?" It wasn't that I was asking him to act like he doesn't have DS, because he does and nothing can be done about that, I was acting him to behave in a normal manner for him, without all of his sensory issues. I wanted a day without it. I really did. Instead I got a day full of it, including many, many timeouts and a screaming match. I'm ashamed of myself. I am.

I sort of know where this is all stemming from lately, I do. Seth is getting older, it's harder to excuse his behavior, it's even harder for people not to notice that he has DS. It's also because on the Fourth of July we went to a friends house, who also has a son with DS and Seth decided to model after their dogs and proceed to constantly lick water of the floor. I had a great time at the BBQ, so did Seth and my SO, but this licking the floor thing - - well it got to me. It really did.

So I thought about it some more. I do that a lot - think. I don't want to have the "retard" child that licks floors and walls. I know I sound awful but it's in quotes because that is an idea in most peoples heads, their preconceived notion of cognitive delays. (That word is one that I don't use and in no way reflects how I feel about my son.) I don't want that kid. I don't want that to be what they see when they see Seth. Seth, the kid that licks floors. Shit he was still doing it today.

Jennifer - if you are reading this is not meant as a slight to your dogs at all!! LOL. Seth was doing the floor licking before he met your dogs because he knows quite a few dogs, including two trained dogs at his school. I love your dogs, so lovable!!

Okay so it's all out there. My insides spewed onto the Internet for you to read. I'm not crying as I write this post, I cried myself out today, I did. I'm done crying. I have to go to bed and start over tomorrow, apology and all to my little man Seth.

10 comments:

  1. giiiiiiirl. I know you didn't mean for any of this to be funny, or maybe you did, but shit your way with words just made me lmao. Not at Seth actually licking the floor but of how you describe it, how you deliver it.

    He will grow out of it hunny, keep your chin up...at least he isn't licking dirty, moist, gritty ass :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ok, I don't know how I came across your blog...But I just wanted you to know you described ME perfectly in here!! LOL...So you must be normal! And also, I don't find reading about someones "perfect" life all that inspiring either, I prefer to read the real stuff...So I find myself going to that particular blog just to skim through nice pictures, that's it.
    Oh and BTW, I laughed reading about Seth licking water up off the floor...It reminded me of when my oldest boy was 3, he went through a dog phase, he would bark when cars pulled into the driveway and once while walking down town he stopped to drink from a puddle on the sidewalk...sigh...anyway. I enjoyed this post, and I think Seth is adorable :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you ladies. Today is a much better day, I needed to get all of that out of my system. Kelly- as always you are one of the best friends a person could have- thanks for being mine. Jenny- I'm so glad I'm normal!! Lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally understand what you mean. And while I would definitely not laugh... ok I would. I promise you I would.... at M licking a puddle after the dog.... it's not a DS thing. I can't believe no one picked up my camera & took a pick. There are a lot of kids that I know personally that have done the same thing. KIDS see that the dog is not getting yelled at for playing in the puddle and they're taught that if someone else isn't being reprimanded... it must be ok. I promise you it's not a ds thing. ALL kids have sensory things too. They're just not looked at as sensory things. They're looked at as preferences.

    You're a mommy and mommy guilt is a horrible horrible thing whether your guilt lies with a child with ds or not. Trust me. You always feel someone is getting the shaft and it's your job to make sure that no one feels like that.

    Seth has ds. Sean has ds. M has a nasty atitude that she allows to interfere with things she loves to do. They (we) all have something. Get it out. I'm always here if you need a good walk, quick cup of coffee or... in seth's case.... a cool puddle ;)

    See you soon. <3

    p.s. I had M & the dogs locked in my kitchen. One of my dogs decided to poop right next to her. M made "mud" pies right there in my kitchen. My niece bit her dog because her dog nipped her. They model what they see. It doesn't who or what is doing the action.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jennifer - it's so good to have someone who gets it. Being a first time mom everything is confusing. I have no idea whether things are DS or toddler related, it's like I'm still trying to figure out the mom thing while figuring out the special needs things. It's all very confusing sometimes. OMG M and the mud pies. Wow what a visual. Rethinking it and talking about it . . .it made me realize it's all good, life is good, Seth is normal. Some moments are harder and I wrote it all down. Better to get it all out.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We are Jennifer. I can feel the storm inside Seth brewing. He's a firecracker, M is as well!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Just found your blog. Chose this post cos it stood out (everyone loves a random f word). Don't like her either. Phew. Thank goodness I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  8. ok, um, THANK YOU for publically saying what i WISH i could say about the Goddess Kelle. I have a love-hate with her. i am oddly intrigued and like the way she writes, but im sick of the media embracing a person and her child bc their life looks the a martha stewart photo shoot, her kids wear 70$ hunter boots, and they clearly have major money and trendy accessories. i mean... REAAALLLLY? Really, this is what we're supposed to "look up to?" I don't mind a positive spin on life, and i hope you don't hate me too much for being more happy than not-happy BUT i will agree that for me "real" is better than pollyanna. show us the good AND the bad and sometimes the ugly. Life isn't a f--ing glossy magazine or trendy blog. It's a hot mess!! :) thanks for writing this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I like that "Goddess Kelle". That's exactly how she acts/writes. My kid has $20 Payless shoes (that he loves!), we are not trendy, we do not live in luxury . . .we are normal. You are right - life is a hot mess, it's so much more interesting this way. Perfection is boring, perfection takes too much time and energy that I would rather use on more important things - like spending time with my family instead of taking pictures of every moment to document it.

      Delete
  9. It's blogs like THIS, posts like THIS that I come back to. Why? Because it's REAL. It's not painted over, it's not swept under the rug, it's out front and center.

    THIS I can relate to!

    CJ
    http://www.dontlicktheferrets.com
    http://www.theT21travelingafghanproject.com

    ReplyDelete