So why do I hate her? I hate her hair, her perfect pictures, her house, her pool, her constant beach trips, I hate tons of pictures of kids with ice-cream (we get it . . .kids with messy ice-cream is supposed to be cute and normal - but you aren't), I hate the fact that this is a person that I'm told to admire and yet I see nothing of myself or my family in her and hers.
Where are the fucked up pictures?? The booger pictures? The crying pictures? The your child is so sick and in the hospital pictures? The red cheeked and red eyed ones? Where are the pics of the tired mom and dad that haven't quite got it all figured out yet?
That's right. . . they're on my computer. They're of my life. They are of my reality, my daily struggle for those few happy moments but I'm not going to make believe that those constant happy moments make up my day. They don't.
There is laundry and dishes and baths and shit and piss and vomit and tons more stuff . . .more than this one person can handle.
So back to me hating happy people. I'm a pessimist. I'm sarcastic, I always see the "down" side of things (there's that pun again!). I think people have ulterior motives, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've always been like that and lately I've been trying to change it . . . but I can't. It's not like I'm not a fun person to be around, I'm just . . . different? Weird? Strange? Odd? I'm the odd man (woman) out in many ways in my life.
Why am I harping on this? Most people would say it's because I'm jealous. Well I'm not, I like my life, I do. I'm just angry that the poster mom for a child with Down Syndrome seems to be saying it all wrong. Seems to be giving all of the good and none of the not so good. None of the messy. I like messy, I live in messy, I THRIVE in messy. LIFE IS MESSY.
But Seth is getting to me lately. Not Seth himself but his . . . let's call them quirks. DS quirks if you shall. Lots of kids with DS have stims (look it up if you don't know what that is!) and Seth has his share of them . . . but lately they are getting to me. They really are. The constant hair twirling and thumb sucking/gnawing and obsession with balls and things that spin and roll and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm frustrated. No it's not Autism, although there are cases of a dual diagnosis of DS and Autism, but this isn't the case with Seth. He just has a lot of sensory issues and self comfort issues and I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. Perhaps this is why Kelle Hampton's perfection is irking me.
I caught myself today, I caught myself asking him "Why can't you just act normal?" It wasn't that I was asking him to act like he doesn't have DS, because he does and nothing can be done about that, I was acting him to behave in a normal manner for him, without all of his sensory issues. I wanted a day without it. I really did. Instead I got a day full of it, including many, many timeouts and a screaming match. I'm ashamed of myself. I am.
I sort of know where this is all stemming from lately, I do. Seth is getting older, it's harder to excuse his behavior, it's even harder for people not to notice that he has DS. It's also because on the Fourth of July we went to a friends house, who also has a son with DS and Seth decided to model after their dogs and proceed to constantly lick water of the floor. I had a great time at the BBQ, so did Seth and my SO, but this licking the floor thing - - well it got to me. It really did.
So I thought about it some more. I do that a lot - think. I don't want to have the "retard" child that licks floors and walls. I know I sound awful but it's in quotes because that is an idea in most peoples heads, their preconceived notion of cognitive delays. (That word is one that I don't use and in no way reflects how I feel about my son.) I don't want that kid. I don't want that to be what they see when they see Seth. Seth, the kid that licks floors. Shit he was still doing it today.
Jennifer - if you are reading this is not meant as a slight to your dogs at all!! LOL. Seth was doing the floor licking before he met your dogs because he knows quite a few dogs, including two trained dogs at his school. I love your dogs, so lovable!!
Okay so it's all out there. My insides spewed onto the Internet for you to read. I'm not crying as I write this post, I cried myself out today, I did. I'm done crying. I have to go to bed and start over tomorrow, apology and all to my little man Seth.