Saturday, July 30, 2011

D-day questions continued!

Was there anything you would change...I mean is there anything you wish you hadn't worried about, or stressed over...Something you thought was a big deal back then, but now looking back you wish you hadn't obsessed about??

Copied from Jenny's comment on my last post.

Honestly since I did have a prenatal diagnosis I wish I enjoyed my pregnancy more. I know that I felt like I had to go into research mode and find out everything about DS, but I wish I just took it easy. Seth is my only child, possibly will be my only child forever. I may never have another pregnancy. I miss the way he felt when he moved around, miss talking to him. I really miss when he used to get the hiccups inside of me (fetal hiccups, how cool is that!) and you could see my belly jiggle around in one spot. It was a truly amazing feeling.

When I was pregnant I was obsessed with how Seth would look. I was afraid that he would look . . . I don't know how to say it nicely, but frankly I didn't want him to look "retarded". Yeah that sounds horrible but there it is. I didn't want him to have a big sign on his face that says "I have Down Syndrome". I had nightmares for months about what he would look like. One very memorable nightmare was that he was born and he looked like a stereotypical Martian with the big eyes. It was a scary, scary dream. Obviously my son is a very handsome little boy and I wish I hadn't wasted time/energy worrying about that. I wish I weren't that vain, but I was. It was a huge deal to me. I think that the first time you are pregnant it's supposed to be this magical thing, your child is supposed to come out and be perfect and I had knowledge before giving birth that my child wasn't going to be perfect, that he may come out looking different than typical newborns.

Sometimes it almost made me wish I never had an amnio at all. For me that wasn't an option, knowledge is a sort of crutch I use when I'm going into unfamiliar territory. I arm myself with all of the facts and use that to ease my worries. This fear, this worrying about Seth not looking like a handsome little boy, well the facts didn't help alleviate that fear. Nothing did. There was one thing that helped me through it though, one thing that made me see that children with DS are beautiful. That was going to a DS message board and looking through all of the wonderful pictures of the children. I saw children, all with DS, of different shapes, sizes, eye colors, hair colors, and all of them were beautiful/handsome. And when I met my Seth, I thought he was too.

1 comment:

  1. Loved this! You know I have always thought finding out before Russell was born would have been easier than finding out the day he was born...But after reading this and seeing it from your point of view I realize that finding out either way has its pros and cons. Either way is tough.
    And wondering if he would be cute, haha, oh yeah, that went through my mind with Russell. I didn't want him to look like he had Down syndrome. I remember not wanting to post pictures of him where he looked to much like it...So silly now. Now all I see is a beautiful boy, who yes, has Down syndrome!!
    Great post!!! Keep them coming!