Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Painful awareness . . .

Here's my "real pic" of the day:


I don't know if other moms have this issue, or it's just me, or just moms of kids with special needs, but I'm painfully aware of my surroundings and "triggers".

Let me explain. Seth, while being as typical as any kid can be, well he has issues, sensory, emotional, physical . . . blah, blah, blah. And as he gets older, well maybe even forever, I've been painfully aware of these "issues", these "quirks", these needs of his.

He doesn't tolerate heat very well, loud noises, unless it's music, nowhere where other kids will try to interact with him (he gets easily scared/intimidated). At the park he wants to climb the gyms but even the smallest one is one that he can fall from and break something. He wants to climb up the slide because he loves it and I'm aware of the row of kids waiting to get down it and take him along with them. At the supermarket he puts out his arms and knocks everything to the ground, he also spreads his legs with superhuman strength so he kicks other people/objects as we pass and makes it impossible to go down an aisle. The beach is scary because he enjoys flinging sand in his and other peoples eyes, eating sand and tries to swim by himself in the ocean. He then cries because he hates how the sand irritates his legs and other "parts". Going for a walk he wants to steer the carriage, doesn't want to hold my hand, wants to run ahead or sit on the sidewalk randomly or do the flop and drop. Too young for the movies, not enough tolerance for museums. . . I could go on but I won't.

So back to my point. I'm PAINFULLY aware of Seth's reactions in each situation and I have to weigh my decisions to do things or go places depending on him. It sucks, it does. I feel like much of my life is revolved around how Seth will feel or how he will act. Do I just have him suck it up and live life normally? Do I cater to his needs? Am I shielding/sheltering him too much?

And I have this constant anxiety about bringing him out. It just eats me up. I know most of it is just toddler issues but damn he is getting on my nerves. He's almost impossible to bring anywhere. I have to pack a bag full of snacks and diapers and wipes, bring along a carriage because he doesn't walk for much more than a block, bring sunscreen in the summer, a change of clothes for him and me (any mom who has been peed, pood or vomited on understands this) and it just becomes so much.

We don't have a car. We have the MTA. The bus and the train. Any bus or train ride is an hour, each way. It's killer. Add Seth's 35lbs to that - ouch! Seth used to be great on the bus and train when he was younger, he was perfect on them. I think he's gotten spoiled by his schoolbus!

I think the main point is that as a parent my mind is never stopping. I want a break from my own mind/thoughts but I know it's not possible. I think I have to stop being so damn fussy about this stuff and just let him do what he does.

Oh I have a new sponsor . . . .

really? Who the fuck did you think I was? Kelle Hampton? Her and her damn sponsors. Half her blogs are "buy this" ads. The other half are fake happy pictures. Ridiculous. You know what I do have a sponsor! It's called "The Buy a Fuckin Clue Foundation". Ok rant done.



2 comments:

  1. LOL...Aw come on now, I was waiting to see some pictures of hair clips and bracelets! Haha, I despise that sponsor shit too!
    And I totally get this post...I have a six year old who drives me to the brink of insanity, DAILY! I guess all we can hope for is they grow out of it??

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  2. I'm hoping Jenny!! LOL. I'm hoping I still have all my hair by the time I'm 30 . . that's two years from now!!!

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