Sunday, October 2, 2011

Ouch, physical ickiness . . .

So I feel sort of foolish, kind of of silly for saying this . . . I had a gastritis induced panic attack. I was so physically ill that my anxiety shot through the roof and I completely lost it. Add that to the four year anniversary of my brothers death and boom - you are adding fuel to the fire baby. And while I may say that I'm not permanently an anxious person or prone to panic attacks, it's still good to acknowledge my feelings and possibly seek help and go talk to someone. Therapy might be good for me. My life so far has had many complications and I'm sure I could do with a good objective person to talk to it all about.

Gastritis. . . I've heard of it before I'm sure, but damn does it hurt. It feels like the infernos of all nine levels of hell are in your belly. You wake up every morning nauseous, can't eat, can't drink, can't sleep properly - it's a living version of hell. I lost 14 pounds in two weeks. It's the best diet I never wanted. There's also all sorts of gas coming out of both ends . . . sorry about the TMI graphic nature of this post but there it is . . . all laid out for you.

I had an endoscopy and the doctor told me it was mild gastritis. If this is mild I feel for the severe cases. I personally feel like I'm dying. It is getting better though.

So I haven't eaten much in the past two weeks . . . I've been surviving on rice and soup . . . bbbbllleeegggghhh. But I was just in the kitchen, just looking at my pantry and icebox (yeah I'm old school like that, I call it an icebox) and I realized, I have a lot of changes to make. Tons of them. I'm 28 years old and at the beginning of this gastritis I was a whopping 221lbs, I'm 207 today. And you know what? I'm too young to weigh this much, hell no one should weigh this much. And I'm sick of being nice to myself and telling myself that it's food and food is good. NO. Food is for nutrition, not for happiness, not for sadness, not for coping and not simply for pleasure. We eat to live and I need to start following that.

No more coffee, soda, chips, candy, fried food, fast food, tons of cheese or dairy, that shit has got to stop. No more late night binge sessions while watching our favorite show (Drew and I love having nachos and cheese during Doctor Who).

So I've had a clean diet for the last two weeks of none of this crap and I'm not going back. I can't go back. I need to be healthy. Part of the reason I think I feel better is the fact that I'm taking it easy on my stomach and taking probiotics.

This is not supposed to be a super healthy happy person post. Believe me I am NOT super healthy. My idea of a nutritious breakfast is egg and cheese on a NY bagel with a Pepsi on the side. And that was on the days that I actually chose to eat breakfast, most days I didn't choose to eat until one in the afternoon. My idea of exercise is taking a walk to the store. I don't do exercise well. I've always hated it, I've always been a big girl and I've always been proud of that fact.

Well I'm not anymore. I'm kinda disgusted by myself at this moment in time. I chose to put poisonous shit in my body and now by body told me to go fuck myself. Yep that's exactly what it told me. I've dealt with heartburn and acid reflux issues for years, had my gallbladder removed and you would think that would be enough to wake me up and say "hey don't eat that" but it didn't. And here I am. 28 and suffering on my couch curled into the fetal position because of gastritis. I caught it right before it turned into an ulcer.

I will never be a size 2 model, my body isn't made that way, but I will be the healthiest that I can possibly be. Weight loss isn't the goal, it's the side effects of this process. Getting rid of all that shit will be like giving my body a big emotional hug. I've taken advantage of it for so long, treated it poorly and it hasn't worked out well for me. I owe a huge apology to my body. As I've said before, I'm not super religious but God gave me this body and I've ruined it, the good thing is, I'm still young enough to fix it.

1 comment:

  1. i say why not? super health happy seems like a good place to me!

    ReplyDelete