Friday, February 17, 2012

Why I suck the joy out of everything

I don't suck the marrow . . . I suck the joy . . . out of everything.

Many people out there must wonder if my life is good, if I'm happy, if I'm not some depressed stay at home mom sorely in need of friends. Well I'm not. But I am a 29 year old woman who has grown up and seen shit that no one should have to see, gone through the bad and the worse and they tried to pretend it wasn't my life. I've been through hell and back and I made it baby. I'm still here. I ain't going nowhere - Brooklynese!

So what happens when you've gone through it all?? You don't always see the good, you don't always see the beautiful . . . you see the beauty in the bad, the graffiti as art, the glitter in the sewer water, the way the sun sets over the F train on McDonald Avenue as it rumbles on by and you're almost sure the Earth is going to quake and open up and suck you down to Hell.

I like finding the positive in the negative. I think it's real. I think when I've had a bad day I can say well hey I gave a dollar to that homeless person who just happens to live by the Dunkin' Donuts around the corner from my moms house. Or Seth may have the stomach virus and a sinus/ear infection (totally true btw- this was last week), but at least we aren't in the hospital like other kids. At least he is living. At least he is at home with the ones he loves. I can pass by my childhood home and find my brothers tags all over it and instead of thinking of it as graffiti I can say, hey I remember that. I can look at that house and remember and say there was bad but there was also love and good. There was domestic violence and drinking but there was hugs and 2 little boys and 4 girls who once upon a time loved each other something fierce.

And with Down Syndrome I can say it all sucks; the doctors, the hospitals, the sickness, the therapy, the hurt, the anger, the resentment, the jealousy, but then I would be denying the very special little man that comes through all of that. I won't deny the pain, the pain is very real, and it hurts so bad sometimes, but I can't deny the immense overwhelming feeling of love.

Seth is an amazing child. I adore him. I love him beyond anything I have ever loved. I love his little tubby body, the way his smile is so wide and his eyes crinkle. I love the crease on his palm and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE his eyes. The one feature that is the most recognizable that he has Down Syndrome and I love it.

My life seems to have a running theme. . . love through imperfection. I come from a most very dysfunctional family . . . and I love them. I talk to my mom everyday and we have enormous differences. We are black and white, night and day, different pieces of a puzzle that was never meant to go together. My sisters, all three of them, so different, each going through their own struggles, each with their own quirks. I love 'em. Especially my girly, my little sister, whom I can never express how much love I have for her, how much she is a part of me. I love them despite it all. I love them because I've been through hell and back with them and there are no people in the world I would rather do that with. My two brothers, one gone, one still here, both as imperfect as can be and I love them. And my dad, my dad the alcoholic, the person who both created my life and perhaps ruined part of my life as well and I still love him. I can't not love these people, just like I can't not love Seth.

So this blog is about the ugly, the negative, but don't think I don't love my life. I'm living, I have an awesome child. This May will be ten years with my SO. We may not have it all but we can see through all the imperfect and realize we have exactly what we need. Seth may not be the child we asked for, the child we wanted, but somehow he became exactly the child we needed. And there is the positive in the negative.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need.


  1. Love it. Every word. I feel the same about so many things you say and I love the way you say it. Good for you.

  2. Thank you. I always worry that I may be coming across as harsh, but this is truly who I am.