I was talking to a good friend of mine today about God and Jesus and belief and this thought about belief flooded me, I couldn't get it out of my head.
Belief doesn't have to refer to God or religion or anything supernatural. . . it could be as easy as believing in oneself. For me it's about believing in others, but mostly belief in Seth.
It's not easy having faith in him all the time, it's not easy being a believer. It's not easy having that much hope because hopes and dreams do get smashed everyday. But everyday I hope I show Seth that I believe in him and that I know he can do anything he wants to do. That's hard when there are so many negatives out there about Down Syndrome, hard when Seth gets sick a lot and gets a bad report from school. It's hard when you are faced with the fact that you have a four year old that behaves as a two and a half year old.
It's one thing to believe in your child, someone whom you love unconditionally, it's another to have that same belief in yourself, especially when you are as critical about yourself as I am. I'm always questioning my parenting, the way I treat Seth's illnesses, his medicines, his schooling - I question everything when it comes to how I raise Seth.
And sometimes it takes a great friend to let you know that you are doing it right, that you aren't fucking up, the friend that shows that he/she believes in you, has faith in you and that's a wonderful thing. Thank you Kelly. Honestly I don't even get that kind of positive feedback from my family and certainly not from my boyfriends family. You need to hear that you are a good mom, a good person and that you can believe in yourself.
It also made me think about my relationship with God. Yep I'm going there. Because as I've said before, I am not an uber religious person but I do believe in Him. I do. But what I've lost lately is the feeling that He believes in me. I don't feel that love from him, that approval, that voice in my head that makes me think God is watching over me and thinks I'm okay. I'm not feeling that lately. It's making me question myself even more. I don't know how to repair that relationship with Him, how to feel that love, but I don't think that is something I can do, it just has to happen, has to be a moment. The only time I see God in my life right now is when I look into Seth's eyes. I see God in his eyes, in his soul, in the sound of his laugh - that's the sound of pure love and happiness. . . kind of how I imagine God's love would feel like.
So faith and belief. . . I've lost those a bit lately. I look at Seth and see a kid with Down Syndrome - and that's not me, that's not my relationship with my child. . . I have to go back and start seeing Seth again.
I also have to realize that I'm worlds away from the person who started this journey almost five years ago, that I've changed for the better, that Seth has given me more belief and faith in myself than any other event or person in my life. He's given me that gift. It's up to me to nourish it and allow it to grow into something bigger.
As for the whole God thing - I'm still here God, I still believe . . . even if I'm lost hope some days or months or even years at a time. I'll always come back to you. I just hope you are still waiting there for me. I have my bagful of burdens, waiting for you to help me shoulder them. . . I'll be here when you're ready.