Sunday, June 10, 2012

being a single mom

Wow there it is. I'm a single mom now.

I never thought those were words I was ever going to say or type or think, but I had the realization last week that I am now a single mother.

And everyone has different definitions of what a single mother is and what it means, but I think that as long as a mom is separated from her spouse, the father of her child, then that makes her a single mother.

Honestly it doesn't matter how much the dad helps out or does or doesn't do or how much money he gives . . .  it really doesn't.

I realized this yesterday. I realized it when it was 11 p.m. and Seth refused to go to bed and I was exhausted. There was no one there to help me with that. My ex fiancée (I'm still not really sure what to call him yet) moved out, actually he moved in with his new girlfriend but that's a whole different story, and he wasn't there.

There wasn't another person there to be my support system. I had to deal all alone.

Scary stuff. Very scary.

Like what do I do when it's 3am and Seth has to go to the ER??? What do I do if I'm sick and can't take care of him?? What happens if there is an accident and I get hurt and can't get help?? (BTW this is totally my anxiety getting to me but this is the shit I think of at 3am when I can't sleep!)

How do I move on knowing that I'm alone in all of this? That my best friend left me for someone else? That I can no longer trust and/or rely on anyone ever again???


I'm sorry, it had to be said. Being a single mother sucks. I'm not going to candy coat this shit. I'm two weeks into this and I'm totally lost. I don't know how to do this. Further more I don't want to do this alone.

And the worst part is that when I lost my fiancée, I lost my best friend, the one person I could talk to, the one person who knew so much about me that it hurts to think that I can never be that close to anyone ever again.

So every night I'm alone and he's there, with his new girl, and he has someone to vent to.

Who do I have to vent to?

Well I have this blog. . . . I have friends and family . . . but I don't have that one person anymore.

Because to be truthful, I'm a soul-mate, one person per lifetime kind of gal.

So imagine being me and after ten years realizing that it's not true, there is no one person, or if there is I somehow fucked it up royally.

My one person has flown the coop. And I don't know if there's another, don't know if I would ever even consider another person.

And now, NOW, I come with all of this baggage. All of these extras that didn't come with the Shanna package ten years ago.

I come with a child, a child with special needs, a child with Down Syndrome.

I come with hurt and pain and fear that this may all happen again, that I may waste another ten years on some asshole who never loved me in the first place.

I've never had a broken heart before. It's nothing like the movies. People don't magically fall back in love after heartbreak, heartbreak is like a disease that just won't go away.

So back to being a single mom. Yeah I haven't been the best mom to Seth these past four weeks. I've been quick to anger, tired, down in the dumps, I've been HURT.

And the other worst part of it is Seth. Seth feels it. He's so smart, he is so intuitive, he's so . . . Seth. . . . that he knows that life is different now.

He's been clingy, not eating, not sleeping, crying, worried . . . and I have all of that guilt. And I have to deal with it every single day from now on.

And truthfully I don't know how to deal with both mine and Seth's pain. I just don't.

So I'm taking it one day at a time, one minute, one moment, and I'm trying.

I'm relearning how to be a mom, all on my own.