Sunday, July 15, 2012

I love you

Those three most important words. I love you. I luv u. I looooovvveee yoooo. I wuv u.

So many ways to say it. I even sign it in my house to Seth. He signs it back and says "I uv u"

We say it to our kids, to our moms and dads and brothers and sisters and spouses, hell even our dogs and cats, but when, when do you look in the mirror and say "I love you self".

I know I don't. I know so many people who don't even pass by a mirror everyday. They stroll through life not realizing what they look like to themselves or to others.

I know because I was that person. I've been that person for a long time.

I lost what I loved about myself . . . or I just really forgot. I forgot what made me . . . well ME.

I have a new therapist now but my old one suggested I look at my face in the mirror everyday. And you know what surprised me most about that task??? That it was hard. It really was. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror everyday.

Because looking means acknowledging, acknowledging means accepting, and accepting means loving.

And I wasn't ready to love myself again.

But something happened two months ago. . . two very long months ago, when my ex fiance and I broke up.

I realized that to get back into life again, to find someone who would love me for me, to be at peace with my life again, I would have to start caring and looking at that girl in the mirror.

I would have to finally worry about me.

What do I look like? What do I want to change? Who do I want to be? Why do I want to be that person? What do I like? What do I love? How do I learn to love myself again?

After a breakup we see all of these flaws. I saw all of my flaws. I'm too fat, my hair is frizzy, I have bags under my eyes, my hair needs to be dyed, I need to shave my legs, I want more tattoos (ex never did like 'em), I want to wear a dress or skirt, want to wear makeup and jewelery.

Suddenly I had a starting point, I had an idea, at least physically, of who I was and what I wanted to change about myself. I started with my weight. So now, two months later, I weigh 20lbs less than I did. . . and I'm going to continue to lose more weight.

I dyed my hair, bought a razor, bought that callous remover thing for my feet (love that thing!), am planning on getting at least three tattoos in the next year and do plan on a whole new wardrobe when I reach my first goal weight.

And I'm able to look in the mirror and say "hey that kind of looks like the Shanna that I used to know". Do not even mention that song because I hate it . . . . you guys know which one. Oh fuck it's in my head now. "Somebody that I used to know . . . . " ARRGGG.

And so with all the physical changes next I thought - ME I WANT TO CHANGE THE INSIDE TOO!!!

I want a job, well career, and a bank account. I want to learn how to drive. I want to learn how to dance- no headbanging, I do that well enough as it is. I want to write more. I want to take more pictures. I want to read Shakespeare until my eyes bleed. I want my Master's Degree. I want to teach kids and make a difference in their lives. I want to adopt a child with Down Syndrome and make their lives better. I want to keep my bleeding heart because I love that I care about things that others don't. I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better friend. I want to not be as messy and start cleaning more. I want to learn how to cook even more healthy foods. I want a man that isn't a selfish asshole. I want to own a home. I want to go for a vacation to Disney World with Seth.

I want . . . so much more than what I was settling for. Why? Why did I do that to myself?

I thought about this. . . . for a long time. How could someone love me . . . if I didn't love myself?

And in so many ways that is why I don't always feel angry at my ex. . . I feel angry with myself.

I was so much more, have the potentially to be so much more than what I am. And I will be more.

And one day when I face that mirror, it may be one year from now, may be many. . . I will tell that woman that I love her. And it will be the truth.


  1. Good for you. You deserve to be whomever you want and you deserve to be happy.

  2. Sounds like a plan,congrats on the weight loss.