Wednesday, July 11, 2012

on being strong

Earlier this morning, as I sat hunched over the porcelain God and begged for death to come, I thought about being strong. Stomach virus from hell, puking up my guts, not able to take care of my own child, and I was all alone.

My biggest fear had come to life. So this is what single motherhood is like sick. Strength to continue puking, strength not to shit my pants(failed that part), strength to clean up my own mess, strength to ask for help.

I don't like asking for help, I hate it, but last night, approximately one hour before I tossed my cookies and knew I was going to be very ill, I called Seth's grandma, who lives just downstairs and thankfully she took him so I could get my vomit on in private.

This poor woman is now downstairs, vomiting herself, Seth just had to share the love!

And the one thing I thought about most was how I wished my ex were here because I didn't want to feel this sick on my own. I told him that on the phone because I had started crying and he asked me what was wrong. I felt so pathetic. But it was the truth.

Is true strength knowing that you can't do it alone, or hell that you don't want to? Is true strength admitting that sometimes you just want your ma to hold you, or hell even your ex, and say everything is going to be alright?

Is true strength knowing that we are weak? If true strength is recognizing your weaknesses then I must be Herculean. I have never been at a weaker place in my life than I am now. I'm at this edge, looking down at my life, seeing all that was and seeing all of my faults, all of my mistakes.

It's amazing the revelations that are made with three hours of puking. As I leaned over that toilet bowl I prayed to God to help me and I knew it wasn't just about me vomiting half eaten Chinese food from the night before. It was everything. It was the culmination of my whole life and the realization that I do need His help.

And I am not one to say that I heard God speak to me, but there was a voice in my head saying "this too shall pass".

It has been a mantra of mine for a while now, since Seth was born. There was so much going on in that time that I kept telling myself those words. When I gave birth to Seth I told myself that physical pain is fleeting and that it went away.

Emotional pain is so much harder but it does eventually fade away.

So much for being strong, I am weak, but it reminds me that I am human.

Just like every time we all find ourselves praying over the porcelain God.

2 comments:

  1. Yep....it will pass....nothing lasts forever, pain does no stay forever. You are experiencing the dark night of your soul and if you can get through this then you will get through anything in life. I too have experienced deep loneliness and you know what, I am glad I have because now I know I can be on my own if I have to, and it is ok.
    Maybe you need to learn to reach out to others more for help. A single parent friend of mine said she had to ask others for help, and she realizes it was a good thing for her.
    You know, when things have settled after your separation, your son will spend time with his father ( well he had better!) and you will get time to yourself again, time to regenerate. In fact I am a bit jealous of some of my separated friends, they get more time to themselves than I do !
    So hang in there, and ask for help.
    We are all interdependent and it is a good thing. Reach out to others, tell others you need help and you might be surprised at what comes your way.
    Is there a local respite care organization you can use.
    In Australia we have respite care provided to families that have a child with a disability, so if I am sick I can organize someone to come to my house and look after the kids, cook dinnner etc. Surely you guys have it provided to you?
    Be brave.

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  2. I'm going to look into respite. And yes his father took him this weekend and it was nice to have some time by myself.

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