I have been having Seth's medical records sent over to his new ENT doctor because he is having ear tubes done . . . again. Hooray for annoying procedures that take 15 minutes yet require 5 million years of medical history and paperwork. Fuck the Earth, I think Seth's killed most of a forest trees with his medical paperwork. Sorry forest.
so I found it. . . Seth's amnio record. I never held it in my hands
before. . . NEVER. I knew what it said, knew what it meant, I just had
never seen it on paper. . . and not only did I never see it on paper, I
never remembered my amnio or diagnosis date. So now I know. . .
August 15th 2007 I had the test that forever changed my life. I had the
amniocentesis that told me that my child had Down Syndrome. I wasn't
scared that day, I was excited because I just knew my kid didn't have
DS. I lied to myself. . . I knew. . . looking back I did know. And I've
never really discussed this with anyone. I can't explain it but I had a
feeling that Seth was different. He didn't move around in there a lot, I
didn't get sick like people said I would, it was a very different
When that first blood test came back
telling me that my results told me I had a 1:100 chance of having a
child with Down Syndrome I didn't know what to say or do. It was over
the phone. . . and it was not scary, it was confusing. See when you
don't know what to expect you just cry. I cried, hysterically. What else
was I supposed to do? I was 24 and had no idea about having a kid and
then I was told that my kid might not be normal. I called my mom and she
told me not to worry, that the test was wrong a lot. LOL. I'm laughing
looking back on that memory.
There I was, sitting at
the kitchen table, writing down all of these numbers, all of these
ratios, and suddenly I had all of these choices. Amnio or CVS? or wait
for more bloodwork? Termination or continuing to term? More personally,
"would I still love him?", "is he still mine?"
amnio itself was one of the best experiences I had during my pregnancy. I
got to see my baby. I got to see him so big and so grown inside there.
And as I looked at that screen I knew I had already made my decision, he
was mine and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. And you see the big
amnio needle on the screen, literally so close to your baby and you
think "omg" and you feel this chest pain that is unlike anything I've
ever felt before that moment, and at that time you know that you could
never, ever bear to see your child hurt. And Seth, somehow knowing my
fear, pulled his hand back away from that needle and I thought "wow, he
already can understand me, feel my fear for him". It was an amazing
moment, I'll never, ever forget it.
Seth was my baby from that moment on, from that moment
that the ultrasound technician put a little XY on the screen and my mind
screamed "OMG I'm going to have a little boy", a little boy that will
love Star Wars and Jordans and will have straight brown hair and brown
eyes. (yes to the hair, no to the eyes).
My imagination brought me places I never thought were possible and I
knew that I loved him more than anything else in the whole world. That I
was no longer important in the scheme of things. That termination
wasn't ever an option. . . no matter what.
I want to
say the date of Seth's diagnosis, or when I heard it was August 22nd
2007. It's somewhere from the 20-23rd. It was the phone call that
changed me forever.
And I wish I could say it's been
an easy, beautiful journey. It's been a journey, it's been beautiful and
horrifically ugly at the same time. It has forever changed me. My heart
isn't the same. My heart feels like it's swelled four times its size in
my chest. And it's all filled with Seth, with love and understanding
and patience that was never there before.
And I can't imagine a time before that, a time before Seth, a time when I dismissed the beauty and joy that is life with him.
I will never be the same again, but I don't want to be.
Unity by Shinedown
I’ve seen a million miles
Met a million faces
Took all I knew
To reach all these places
And I’d do it again
If it brings me back to you
So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say “I’m not scared”
Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I’ve been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind
If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time
I'm not scared. And I'd do it all again to have Seth. And he belongs here, on this Earth, with me.