Monday, August 13, 2012

lost dreams

Unfortunately, since I am part of the Down Syndrome community, I heard that Kelle Hampton is pregnant.

And while I can honestly say that I wasn't jealous of her in my previous post/posts, I say with 100% truth that I am now. . . .and that has nothing to do with her being Kelle Hampton. It has everything to do with her having something that I so desperately want. . . a normal life.

You see I didn't have it all, but I had something. I had my fiance. . . and now I don't. Now I don't even have the dream of possibility. I'm 29, I have one child with Down Syndrome. . . I'm a single mom of a child with Down Syndrome. Finding someone to create a new dream with is almost impossible. I don't even know where to start.

I'm angry that her happy pregnancy has rained on my parade. Fuck that, this is no parade, you just added rain to a lightning storm and it fucking sucks. It sucks balls. Big ones. Big hairy ones. Big, hairy . . . well you get the picture.

I always told people that I was fine with just Seth, just one child. . . the truth is I'm not. I long for a normal pregnancy, a typical child.

I wanted to feel a child kick within me and not worry about how many chromosomes he had, whether he would have a hard life or not. I wanted to enjoy the magic of pregnancy. . . the joy that can't be destroyed, not with a thousand swords.  (That was totally from The Princess Bride)

I haven't ever had one normal or easy thing in my life. NEVER. And I wonder if I'm even worthy and if that is maybe why I don't have these things. I just want something that isn't tainted by life. Something that isn't scarred or marred or second hand or fucked up in some capacity. . . it's like buying a new dress and coming home and seeing that the zipper is broken. All the zippers in my life have come broken, shit some dresses didn't even come with zippers. And as much as I can tailor my life . . . sometimes you just want a new dress that you don't have to fix.

I long for normalcy in so many facets of my life. I was supposed to raise my child with two parents, two parents who loved each other. I failed him miserably. Not only does he have Down Syndrome, now he comes from a single parent household. I didn't want that for him.

I can't help but feel that I'm failing here. That I've missed something. Normalcy used to not be important to me but now it is. I don't know why I crave it so much but I just really want it. I really want to know what it's like.

I had the opportunity to create the perfect family that I never had. And now I will never have it. Ever. And the loss of that is a very real loss. The pain is very real.

I can't wait for this next year of my life to pass very quickly.

6 comments:

  1. I totally know what you mean. Our only child has Ds, and we will not be adding to our family. But while I *am* fine with our only child having Ds, I worry constantly about her future. Our families are very small, and I honestly don't know who will be able to look after her when we're gone. Plus, I know how much she loves being around other children, so knowing that she'll never have siblings or cousins or anyone else who we're close to to play with, is really sad to me. I grew up close to my cousins, but she has none. You're still young. Anything can happen. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I have the same worries for Seth. I'm in the process of redefining my life. I had one plan and now that all has to change and I hate change, HATE IT!! But if I do not change then I don't grow or learn or improve.

      Delete
  2. I have been following you for a while now. I've been too afraid to respond before. I admire you. You are doing what I couldn't. I couldn't go through with my pregnancy and that's why I think you are an amazing person. When I was pregnant, it was the happiest time in my life - I was finally going to have a family. I was 41 and finally found someone I truly loved and we tried to conceive right away. I had been single and lonely for so long and now I was going to have a family – a man I loved and a baby to love (a boy). Then I learned all about nuchal translucency and trisomys. We were presented with a challenge and failed. Neither one of us stepped up and said “We can do this, let's do this!” We only thought of the negative, and ourselves. 3 years have passed and we kept trying to achieve another pregnancy. We did many inseminations and then IVF. Still nothing. I vowed that if we were to conceive again, that I wouldn't do any testing. We would take what God designed for us. Unfortunately that never happened and our relationship has all but ended. Now I am 44 and lonely again. This time the loneliness comes with a lot of remorse, regret, shame, guilt, etc. If only I could take that horrible decision back. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult life is for you. I also have suicide in my family (my father) so I can relate in some way to your struggles as it relates to that. But honestly, I don't know how you do it. That's why I admire you. You are a strong woman. Stronger than me. Give yourself credit for what you are accomplishing right now. Believe me, you are young. A lot of changes can and will happen for you. It's just not going to be on your timing. You are a good writer (thanks for your posts!), you are doing good things and are deserving of good things. I sincerely wish the best for you and Seth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your response made me bawl like I haven't for a very long time. There was something so raw and gut wrenchingly honest and I thank you for that. I do concentrate on what I do have and don't often take a mintue to view it from the other side. I'm sorry for your loss, not only the physical one, but the loss of that dream. I know how much that hurts. I recently told a friend, my best friend, that I would feel a bit of sadness if she got pregnant. . . And that was so wrong to say since she has been dealing with infertility for 5 years now. I may never have her as a friend again due to those words, but you made me realize how she felt. . .and I didn't feel that before reading your response. And I have a lesson now learned from you, take what God gives you. I may have a hard life, but I have one, I may have a dysfunctional family, but I have one, and I may have a child with Down Syndrome but he is mine and I will hug him extra close tonight. I am far from strong, which is why I write this blog. . Because I want women to know that I breakdown as well, that I hurt, that pain is real and okay. Thank you for being so truthful and real. I wish the best for you as well. And you are still young as well. My mom started college around your age, she wanted to reach for her dreams after a life of raising six kids. We all have time to make life what we want.

      Delete
  3. No no no.....don't you dare give up. You are still young, get it? You are still young. You still have time to meet another partner and have another child, so don't give up on that. Yes, kelle Hampton is lucky, but she knows it and she is smart. You are smart too. You still have time...focus on what you want and be patient, let it come in to your life (sorry to sound very new age then lol) good luck, hang in there.....

    ReplyDelete