Unfortunately, since I am part of the Down Syndrome community, I heard that Kelle Hampton is pregnant.
And while I can honestly say that I wasn't jealous of her in my previous post/posts, I say with 100% truth that I am now. . . .and that has nothing to do with her being Kelle Hampton. It has everything to do with her having something that I so desperately want. . . a normal life.
You see I didn't have it all, but I had something. I had my fiance. . . and now I don't. Now I don't even have the dream of possibility. I'm 29, I have one child with Down Syndrome. . . I'm a single mom of a child with Down Syndrome. Finding someone to create a new dream with is almost impossible. I don't even know where to start.
I'm angry that her happy pregnancy has rained on my parade. Fuck that, this is no parade, you just added rain to a lightning storm and it fucking sucks. It sucks balls. Big ones. Big hairy ones. Big, hairy . . . well you get the picture.
I always told people that I was fine with just Seth, just one child. . . the truth is I'm not. I long for a normal pregnancy, a typical child.
I wanted to feel a child kick within me and not worry about how many chromosomes he had, whether he would have a hard life or not. I wanted to enjoy the magic of pregnancy. . . the joy that can't be destroyed, not with a thousand swords. (That was totally from The Princess Bride)
I haven't ever had one normal or easy thing in my life. NEVER. And I wonder if I'm even worthy and if that is maybe why I don't have these things. I just want something that isn't tainted by life. Something that isn't scarred or marred or second hand or fucked up in some capacity. . . it's like buying a new dress and coming home and seeing that the zipper is broken. All the zippers in my life have come broken, shit some dresses didn't even come with zippers. And as much as I can tailor my life . . . sometimes you just want a new dress that you don't have to fix.
I long for normalcy in so many facets of my life. I was supposed to raise my child with two parents, two parents who loved each other. I failed him miserably. Not only does he have Down Syndrome, now he comes from a single parent household. I didn't want that for him.
I can't help but feel that I'm failing here. That I've missed something. Normalcy used to not be important to me but now it is. I don't know why I crave it so much but I just really want it. I really want to know what it's like.
I had the opportunity to create the perfect family that I never had. And now I will never have it. Ever. And the loss of that is a very real loss. The pain is very real.
I can't wait for this next year of my life to pass very quickly.