Sunday, September 30, 2012

Judgemental

A lot has been going on with me, so much that I wish I could write here but just can't for certain reasons. I've been logging it in Word so I can post it later. Maybe a small book is in order??

A friend, a good friend, my best friend in fact, pointed out that I was judgmental and critical. In fact she was there for me the other day in such a time of need and I did nothing but insult her. I didn't do it intentionally, I didn't do it with malice in my heart, I just didn't realize I was doing it. And I don't know why I do it, don't know why I automatically seek out the flaws in people. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, perhaps if I do it first it means that I've won some sort of sick and twisted game and it means that people can't hurt me because I have somehow found out their weak spots.

Whatever it is . . . it's fucking wrong. I'm wrong. I talked to several friends/family members since my best friend broke up with me, yep I ruined that and I can't get it back, don't even have hope to get that friendship back. I hurt someone who has done nothing but have my back and be there when I needed her help most.

I can't take back what I've said, I can't apologize to the point that she will forgive me. . . but I can change. And even though I can go through life and say I'll never say a nasty thing to anyone ever again, and I'll probably do that, I have to start first with the thought process. Why do I do this? What about me makes me target everyone's weak points? Why do I look outward instead of inward? When did I become so ugly inside?

And it's hysterical to think that I'm judgmental because I have a child with Down Syndrome. Just one of those other strange things in life. The fact that I have a child with DS that I don't judge, yet I judge everyone else is so strange.

For years I have told myself that I don't care what I look like, that I don't care what others look like, that I don't judge people by their actions. . . I do. I think we all do, but I'm really bad about it.

I'm trying to think back, to think if there was a time that I didn't do this, a time that I didn't judge people.

There was.

It was around junior high school. In junior high school I was made fun of and tortured for three years straight. I didn't have the nicest clothes, I had dandruff really bad, I was a Jehovah Witness, I was too different for everyone else to accept. I was too different for even me to accept.

And since then I've judged people. And some people think I don't judge myself, I do. Here I am 29, single mom of a child with DS, jobless, missing so much,  . . . I do judge myself.

It's just that at the end of the day I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm smart and funny and pretty. I know all of my flaws too. . . and for the most part I accept them. I know that I'm really bad at apologizing. I know that at this moment in time this blog is probably the only place I can vent or feel about anything. There is no other safe place to do so.

I've lost so much and I don't want to lose more. I don't want to alienate those who are helping me.

So I am now going to watch my words very carefully, try to configure my thoughts, perhaps therapy is the place to do it. I've spent five years ignoring the person I am. . . and that included the good and the bad. They are both coming out and it's not always pretty, but it is me. . . and I'm trying.

And I'm sorry. . . truly heartbroken sorry. . . and I know that will never be enough. . . but I am.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Upwards and onwards. . . to wherever. .

Fear is a funny thing. . . we become complacent, we become comfortable, being these masses just sitting and not achieving.

I've noticed a big difference in myself since my ex and I broke up four months ago. This is a Shanna who is walking on different, new ground. I've done new things, things I never, ever thought I would do. I've done things that I thought were against everything I was, everything I normally stand for and do.

I wear makeup now. I do my hair everyday. I take care in how I dress. I lost 30 pounds. I wear ruby red lipstick. I make plans with friends and look forward to them. I walk everyday for at least an hour. I do all of my dishes. . . okay most of the time anyways. I've stopped playing video games completely. . . I don't know why. I do love video games, they just seem to have lost that sparkle.

I eat right. I drink water all the time now. I'm almost over my extreme soda addiction. I've stopped using tons of salt on my food. Junk food doesn't appeal to me much anymore. I watch my favorite television shows alone. . . the ones we used to watch together. I don't yell anymore. I've stopped crying for the most part.

So onwards and upwards for me. There are so many people who tell me that I am strong, that I could sit here and be depressed and be stagnant and not become or do anything. . . and that's just not me. That's not how I handle life. Life comes at me and I fight back. I fought back from the minute I came into this world. I don't accept life as it is, at least not anymore. I did for the last five years, in a lot of aspects. In one particular aspect I didn't. I didn't accept all of the "truths" I heard about Down Syndrome, never believed that my son wouldn't amount to anything. I didn't accept it. I worked so hard to change that for Seth, and I believe that I have.

But what I didn't do, what I failed to do, is to make those same aspirations for myself. I lost the Shanna that was. . . and that's just sad. I don't want to see other women do that to themselves. There is nothing in this world so gloriously wonderful that you lose yourself in it, in them, especially not some ex douchebag who thought someone else was better than me. I'm fuckin' awesome. I raised/am raising an awesome child with Down Syndrome who can do anything. I've read almost everything by Shakespeare. I can write. . . forever. I can crochet. I'm a damn good cook and baker. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm so adult yet so much a child all at the same time. I'm a deep thinker. I have a great dysfunctional family that loves me even though they are beyond fucked up. I go to therapy twice a month because I know that I'm not perfect. Admitting that is pretty damn awesome.

As for my faults. . . I have those too. I'm not patient. . . at all. I worry too much. I'm timid and sometimes over-analyze everything. I'm passive aggressive. I don't do my dishes all the time. I'm the biggest procrastinator known to mankind.

But I'm better. That's the great thing about me, I just keep getting better. My ex is still stagnant. . . he's the same man I fell in love with ten years ago and the same asshole I'm falling out of love with now. Yeah I still love him, but not for long. We are supposed to grow and change. . . supposed to learn. . supposed to get better. . . and he just didn't. I should have seen it sooner.

A lot of people are comfortable with life, they hate change. And this is the biggest change my life has seen as of yet. . . I'm sure there are many more to come, but this is the biggest. And I thought I would die about 3 months ago, thought I would never, ever make it through.. and there are some days that I still feel like dying. . .  but I'm better for it. Better Shanna is on order, delivery is really slow, but it's definitely on the way.

Onwards and upwards. . . to wherever life takes me. . . honestly I used to think if I had Andrew the whole world was fine, now I realize if I have me and my son, then that's all I really need. The world could go up in a blaze of glory but if I have Seth with me then I'm good.