A lot has been going on with me, so much that I wish I could write here but just can't for certain reasons. I've been logging it in Word so I can post it later. Maybe a small book is in order??
A friend, a good friend, my best friend in fact, pointed out that I was judgmental and critical. In fact she was there for me the other day in such a time of need and I did nothing but insult her. I didn't do it intentionally, I didn't do it with malice in my heart, I just didn't realize I was doing it. And I don't know why I do it, don't know why I automatically seek out the flaws in people. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, perhaps if I do it first it means that I've won some sort of sick and twisted game and it means that people can't hurt me because I have somehow found out their weak spots.
Whatever it is . . . it's fucking wrong. I'm wrong. I talked to several friends/family members since my best friend broke up with me, yep I ruined that and I can't get it back, don't even have hope to get that friendship back. I hurt someone who has done nothing but have my back and be there when I needed her help most.
I can't take back what I've said, I can't apologize to the point that she will forgive me. . . but I can change. And even though I can go through life and say I'll never say a nasty thing to anyone ever again, and I'll probably do that, I have to start first with the thought process. Why do I do this? What about me makes me target everyone's weak points? Why do I look outward instead of inward? When did I become so ugly inside?
And it's hysterical to think that I'm judgmental because I have a child with Down Syndrome. Just one of those other strange things in life. The fact that I have a child with DS that I don't judge, yet I judge everyone else is so strange.
For years I have told myself that I don't care what I look like, that I don't care what others look like, that I don't judge people by their actions. . . I do. I think we all do, but I'm really bad about it.
I'm trying to think back, to think if there was a time that I didn't do this, a time that I didn't judge people.
It was around junior high school. In junior high school I was made fun of and tortured for three years straight. I didn't have the nicest clothes, I had dandruff really bad, I was a Jehovah Witness, I was too different for everyone else to accept. I was too different for even me to accept.
And since then I've judged people. And some people think I don't judge myself, I do. Here I am 29, single mom of a child with DS, jobless, missing so much, . . . I do judge myself.
It's just that at the end of the day I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm smart and funny and pretty. I know all of my flaws too. . . and for the most part I accept them. I know that I'm really bad at apologizing. I know that at this moment in time this blog is probably the only place I can vent or feel about anything. There is no other safe place to do so.
I've lost so much and I don't want to lose more. I don't want to alienate those who are helping me.
So I am now going to watch my words very carefully, try to configure my thoughts, perhaps therapy is the place to do it. I've spent five years ignoring the person I am. . . and that included the good and the bad. They are both coming out and it's not always pretty, but it is me. . . and I'm trying.
And I'm sorry. . . truly heartbroken sorry. . . and I know that will never be enough. . . but I am.