Sunday, September 30, 2012

Judgemental

A lot has been going on with me, so much that I wish I could write here but just can't for certain reasons. I've been logging it in Word so I can post it later. Maybe a small book is in order??

A friend, a good friend, my best friend in fact, pointed out that I was judgmental and critical. In fact she was there for me the other day in such a time of need and I did nothing but insult her. I didn't do it intentionally, I didn't do it with malice in my heart, I just didn't realize I was doing it. And I don't know why I do it, don't know why I automatically seek out the flaws in people. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, perhaps if I do it first it means that I've won some sort of sick and twisted game and it means that people can't hurt me because I have somehow found out their weak spots.

Whatever it is . . . it's fucking wrong. I'm wrong. I talked to several friends/family members since my best friend broke up with me, yep I ruined that and I can't get it back, don't even have hope to get that friendship back. I hurt someone who has done nothing but have my back and be there when I needed her help most.

I can't take back what I've said, I can't apologize to the point that she will forgive me. . . but I can change. And even though I can go through life and say I'll never say a nasty thing to anyone ever again, and I'll probably do that, I have to start first with the thought process. Why do I do this? What about me makes me target everyone's weak points? Why do I look outward instead of inward? When did I become so ugly inside?

And it's hysterical to think that I'm judgmental because I have a child with Down Syndrome. Just one of those other strange things in life. The fact that I have a child with DS that I don't judge, yet I judge everyone else is so strange.

For years I have told myself that I don't care what I look like, that I don't care what others look like, that I don't judge people by their actions. . . I do. I think we all do, but I'm really bad about it.

I'm trying to think back, to think if there was a time that I didn't do this, a time that I didn't judge people.

There was.

It was around junior high school. In junior high school I was made fun of and tortured for three years straight. I didn't have the nicest clothes, I had dandruff really bad, I was a Jehovah Witness, I was too different for everyone else to accept. I was too different for even me to accept.

And since then I've judged people. And some people think I don't judge myself, I do. Here I am 29, single mom of a child with DS, jobless, missing so much,  . . . I do judge myself.

It's just that at the end of the day I know I'm a good person. I know that I'm smart and funny and pretty. I know all of my flaws too. . . and for the most part I accept them. I know that I'm really bad at apologizing. I know that at this moment in time this blog is probably the only place I can vent or feel about anything. There is no other safe place to do so.

I've lost so much and I don't want to lose more. I don't want to alienate those who are helping me.

So I am now going to watch my words very carefully, try to configure my thoughts, perhaps therapy is the place to do it. I've spent five years ignoring the person I am. . . and that included the good and the bad. They are both coming out and it's not always pretty, but it is me. . . and I'm trying.

And I'm sorry. . . truly heartbroken sorry. . . and I know that will never be enough. . . but I am.


1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. :-( It sounds like a defense mechanism, bred from those difficult formative years when you were in school. Those are the hardest to shake, and I'm sorry it cost you your friendship. You may be wrong about not getting it back, though - sometimes other people recognize the deep-rooted pain behind it, and will forgive... ((hugs))

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