Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Upwards and onwards. . . to wherever. .

Fear is a funny thing. . . we become complacent, we become comfortable, being these masses just sitting and not achieving.

I've noticed a big difference in myself since my ex and I broke up four months ago. This is a Shanna who is walking on different, new ground. I've done new things, things I never, ever thought I would do. I've done things that I thought were against everything I was, everything I normally stand for and do.

I wear makeup now. I do my hair everyday. I take care in how I dress. I lost 30 pounds. I wear ruby red lipstick. I make plans with friends and look forward to them. I walk everyday for at least an hour. I do all of my dishes. . . okay most of the time anyways. I've stopped playing video games completely. . . I don't know why. I do love video games, they just seem to have lost that sparkle.

I eat right. I drink water all the time now. I'm almost over my extreme soda addiction. I've stopped using tons of salt on my food. Junk food doesn't appeal to me much anymore. I watch my favorite television shows alone. . . the ones we used to watch together. I don't yell anymore. I've stopped crying for the most part.

So onwards and upwards for me. There are so many people who tell me that I am strong, that I could sit here and be depressed and be stagnant and not become or do anything. . . and that's just not me. That's not how I handle life. Life comes at me and I fight back. I fought back from the minute I came into this world. I don't accept life as it is, at least not anymore. I did for the last five years, in a lot of aspects. In one particular aspect I didn't. I didn't accept all of the "truths" I heard about Down Syndrome, never believed that my son wouldn't amount to anything. I didn't accept it. I worked so hard to change that for Seth, and I believe that I have.

But what I didn't do, what I failed to do, is to make those same aspirations for myself. I lost the Shanna that was. . . and that's just sad. I don't want to see other women do that to themselves. There is nothing in this world so gloriously wonderful that you lose yourself in it, in them, especially not some ex douchebag who thought someone else was better than me. I'm fuckin' awesome. I raised/am raising an awesome child with Down Syndrome who can do anything. I've read almost everything by Shakespeare. I can write. . . forever. I can crochet. I'm a damn good cook and baker. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm so adult yet so much a child all at the same time. I'm a deep thinker. I have a great dysfunctional family that loves me even though they are beyond fucked up. I go to therapy twice a month because I know that I'm not perfect. Admitting that is pretty damn awesome.

As for my faults. . . I have those too. I'm not patient. . . at all. I worry too much. I'm timid and sometimes over-analyze everything. I'm passive aggressive. I don't do my dishes all the time. I'm the biggest procrastinator known to mankind.

But I'm better. That's the great thing about me, I just keep getting better. My ex is still stagnant. . . he's the same man I fell in love with ten years ago and the same asshole I'm falling out of love with now. Yeah I still love him, but not for long. We are supposed to grow and change. . . supposed to learn. . supposed to get better. . . and he just didn't. I should have seen it sooner.

A lot of people are comfortable with life, they hate change. And this is the biggest change my life has seen as of yet. . . I'm sure there are many more to come, but this is the biggest. And I thought I would die about 3 months ago, thought I would never, ever make it through.. and there are some days that I still feel like dying. . .  but I'm better for it. Better Shanna is on order, delivery is really slow, but it's definitely on the way.

Onwards and upwards. . . to wherever life takes me. . . honestly I used to think if I had Andrew the whole world was fine, now I realize if I have me and my son, then that's all I really need. The world could go up in a blaze of glory but if I have Seth with me then I'm good.


  1. GOOD for YOU!!! It sounds like you've got your priorities straight, and I'm sure it'll keep on getting better day by day. :-) Seth is all you need.

  2. Wonderful. The best thing that ever happened to my mom in regards to her self esteem and happiness was splitting up with my dad. It took her a little while to realize this, but it's true. I'm glad that everything is getting better for you and hope that you life continues to improve.