Fear is a funny thing. . . we become complacent, we become comfortable, being these masses just sitting and not achieving.
noticed a big difference in myself since my ex and I broke up four
months ago. This is a Shanna who is walking on different, new ground.
I've done new things, things I never, ever thought I would do. I've done
things that I thought were against everything I was, everything I
normally stand for and do.
I wear makeup now. I do my
hair everyday. I take care in how I dress. I lost 30 pounds. I wear ruby
red lipstick. I make plans with friends and look forward to them. I
walk everyday for at least an hour. I do all of my dishes. . . okay most
of the time anyways. I've stopped playing video games completely. . . I
don't know why. I do love video games, they just seem to have lost that
I eat right. I drink water all the time now.
I'm almost over my extreme soda addiction. I've stopped using tons of
salt on my food. Junk food doesn't appeal to me much anymore. I watch my
favorite television shows alone. . . the ones we used to watch
together. I don't yell anymore. I've stopped crying for the most part.
onwards and upwards for me. There are so many people who tell me that I
am strong, that I could sit here and be depressed and be stagnant and
not become or do anything. . . and that's just not me. That's not how I
handle life. Life comes at me and I fight back. I fought back from the
minute I came into this world. I don't accept life as it is, at least
not anymore. I did for the last five years, in a lot of aspects. In one
particular aspect I didn't. I didn't accept all of the "truths" I heard
about Down Syndrome, never believed that my son wouldn't amount to
anything. I didn't accept it. I worked so hard to change that for Seth,
and I believe that I have.
But what I didn't do, what I
failed to do, is to make those same aspirations for myself. I lost the
Shanna that was. . . and that's just sad. I don't want to see other
women do that to themselves. There is nothing in this world so
gloriously wonderful that you lose yourself in it, in them, especially
not some ex douchebag who thought someone else was better than me. I'm
fuckin' awesome. I raised/am raising an awesome child with Down Syndrome
who can do anything. I've read almost everything by Shakespeare. I can
write. . . forever. I can crochet. I'm a damn good cook and baker. I'm
smart. I'm funny. I'm so adult yet so much a child all at the same time.
I'm a deep thinker. I have a great dysfunctional family that loves me
even though they are beyond fucked up. I go to therapy twice a month
because I know that I'm not perfect. Admitting that is pretty damn
As for my faults. . . I have those too. I'm
not patient. . . at all. I worry too much. I'm timid and sometimes
over-analyze everything. I'm passive aggressive. I don't do my dishes
all the time. I'm the biggest procrastinator known to mankind.
I'm better. That's the great thing about me, I just keep getting
better. My ex is still stagnant. . . he's the same man I fell in love
with ten years ago and the same asshole I'm falling out of love with
now. Yeah I still love him, but not for long. We are supposed to grow
and change. . . supposed to learn. . supposed to get better. . . and he
just didn't. I should have seen it sooner.
A lot of
people are comfortable with life, they hate change. And this is the
biggest change my life has seen as of yet. . . I'm sure there are many
more to come, but this is the biggest. And I thought I would die about 3
months ago, thought I would never, ever make it through.. and there are
some days that I still feel like dying. . . but I'm better for it.
Better Shanna is on order, delivery is really slow, but it's definitely
on the way.
Onwards and upwards. . . to wherever life
takes me. . . honestly I used to think if I had Andrew the whole world
was fine, now I realize if I have me and my son, then that's all I
really need. The world could go up in a blaze of glory but if I have
Seth with me then I'm good.