Dear Santa....or let's just be real here....Dear God,
When I was a child I didn't write letters to Santa.. I prayed. And yet I feel like I need to write one now... because well it's one day before the big day and I'm no where near in the jolly, holly spirit.
This year for Christmas I would like my family to be together. I want my child's father to realize that he still loves me and for us to get back together. I want to be home, my home, the home I called home for the last two years instead of this new home. I want to wake up Christmas morning warm in bed with my spouse instead of a very needy son who doesn't understand why Santa didn't bring him that many gifts this year. I want to make chocolate chip pancakes even though I hate them to death and watch my son and spouse eat them with gusto. I want to rip open every present and know that each one is somehow exactly what I want even though I didn't realize it myself.
I want peace. I want to not feel like my soul is ripping in half for the last seven months. I want to know who the fuck I am and be comfortable with it. I want to not question everything I do or say or think or want or know. I want to look into the eyes of the person I thought I loved and understand why they don't love me back anymore.
Some days I just don't want to be. Some days I want to curl into bed and never ever wake up.
Help me Santa. I can't live in this pain anymore. I'm so sad all the time. I have no more tears left and yet they keep falling. I keep falling down further and further and I don't know where bottom is.
Most of all I want to keep strong for Seth... because he needs a mom who keeps it together everyday, even though her heart cries out all of the time and tears flow freely into her pillow every night.
So this Christmas can you send me a mask...a mask of a happy face and heart.... just for one day Santa. I only need to make it through one day. But it's been a long December and I'm really, really tired and I don't think I have it in me anymore.