I thought that other posts were going to be the hardest posts I have ever written...in fact each blog post seems to take something from inside of me and pull it out from that deepest part of myself and just when I think I've gone deep enough, I manage to go even deeper.
You see I lied to myself for so many years...and I've lied to all of you. Seth's father, that man that I told everyone was great, well he wasn't. He was/is an abuser.
Imagine for years thinking you aren't good enough, feeling like you are crazy, like you can never do enough or be enough or win enough love to make it through. . . those were the last ten years of my life. I was never enough.
I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused for the last ten years.
I just deleted that sentence twice, no more than that, because I can't stand to look at it....I can't stand to face that reality.
there it is. . . the truth.
I was called a cunt, bitch, whore, slut, told that I was a bad mother, that I didn't care enough, that things weren't clean enough, that I was stupid, that I didn't have enough sex....I was abused for so long that it became normal.
I was told that everything that went wrong was my fault, everything, it didn't matter what it was. I was told that things that happened really didn't, that I had remembered wrong.
Abuse was my normal.
It seems so easy now, so easy to realize that I was abused that I don't know how I didn't know. I'm a smart woman, I've witnessed abuse in others... why couldn't I see the same in myself, in my relationship?
I waited this long to end the relationship with Seth's father and I only did it because he refused to stop being "interactive" with a female friend of his...a friend that quickly became his girlfriend after I broke up with him.
To imagine that I would have never broken up with him otherwise boggles my mind. To imagine ten more years in that prison makes me sick to my stomach.
Ever have a friend or family member who tells you that something that you know happened didn't happen? It's called gaslighting... and it's been happening to me for years. YEARS. I had a nervous breakdown last year, thought I was going crazy... I wasn't crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm abused. I was abused.
Panic attacks, anxiety, weight gain, depression......symptoms of years of abuse.
It's no wonder that when I broke up with him that I lost 45lbs and cut and dyed my hair and bought new clothes. It's no wonder that I can't stand to play video games anymore because I'm disgusted at the memories. It's no wonder I'm terrified to trust people.
This is literally heart-wrenching to write... and it's making me sick to my stomach, but I have to get it out. I see no other choice. I've been nothing if not brutally honest on this blog and that's not stopping now. So if you are someone who is truly disturbed by domestic violence, please skip the next paragraph.
Imagine chairs being thrown, walls being punched, being held down to a bed, being unable to leave your own house. Imagine being terrified.....and then imagine being completely numb. Imagine cleaning up the mess that you didn't make, and walking around on tip toes because you are terrified of any remaining burst of anger. Imagine having sex with someone you love and being treated like a piece of meat, being held down forcibly and being hurt. Being ashamed. Being subjected to what feels like rape but somehow you convince yourself it's not. Imagine holding something and refusing to let it go and having your spouse take a pair of scissors to your shirt so you are forced to let the item go...imagine him doing that in front of a group of people.
Imagine every birthday, every special day you ever had being made all about him and his wants and needs. Imagine just giving birth to a child with special needs and doing his finals and papers the day after. Imagine trying to finish college with an 18 month old with special needs, coming home doing therapies, cooking, cleaning and walking in the freezing cold to do laundry and then come home to finish college papers and make lessons plans.
Imagine every day of my life for the last ten years.
I can't. That's not even the half of it. That's not even a quarter of it. That's a drop in the fucking bucket.
I can't fix those ten years. I can't go back and change them as much as I wish I could. And I can't help that these insensitive asshole abuser is Seth's father. . . but I can change tolerating abuse.
I am no longer tolerating abuse.
I will no longer be cursed at.
I will no longer be yelled at.
I will no longer be held against my will.
I will no longer be called stupid.
I will no longer stand for your shit.
Because I'm worth so much more. Because through it all I still managed to be an amazing person and mother to Seth. Because I'm fucking strong. Because I have God by my side. Because now everyone knows the truth about you and it can't be denied any longer. Because you are nothing more than a scared piece of shit who uses his insecurities as a reason to hurt others.
I'm sorry Shanna. I'm sorry I let you go through this for so long. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I'm sorry I didn't speak up sooner....and I forgive you.