Tuesday, February 26, 2013

on falling out of love....

So everyone told me it would happen...and I never, ever thought it would. I thought the pain would just continue forever. The pain of heartbreak, of wanting, of not knowing why shit went wrong. And then one day I just realized I didn't really hurt anymore.

Do I still hurt? Oh yes. . . . just a minor sting where there used to be a gaping, oozing wound. I didn't even notice the process of being stitched up. . .

Eventually I knew that all of the lies and pain and hurt and yelling and screaming and abuse would add up into something unbelievably disgusting, so disgusting that sometimes it hurts to look at him, but I never thought I would end up falling out of love with him.

Andrew was my first love, my only love....ever. So for people to say "move on", "forget him", "he waas an asshole abuser", yeah I realize all of those things, I know all of those things, but the heart is a fickle thing and it wants what it wants and the heart can take much abuse. It can break and rebreak and unbreak and then put itself back together again. It can shrink and shrivel and become bitter and cold or it can expand to love more people and warm up. The heart is a most amazing thing.

But there is a point, a simple point, where the heart talks to the head and says "no more", "I can't deal with anymore". The heart hardens against that person who has caused them so much pain and the heart says "wait you make me swell now but I'll bleed later and it's not worth it".

So my heart has had enough. And with every angry word, with every insult, with every nasty comment and look and bad memory, my heart has let him go and my head has now been given most of the responsibility of dealing with him. And my head doesn't like him at all. My head knows he is a liar and cheat and a nasty person.

I fell out of love with the only person I have every completely loved. The only person I have ever chosen to love, a person that wasn't forced upon me due to the conventions of family. A person I chose to have as my best friend and partner for ten years.

I chose to love Andrew. I chose to accept him. I chose to do his dirty laundry and cook dinner and clean for him and I chose to have a child with him. I even chose to marry him...we just never got around to that part.

I got the drunk dial last night. Yeah I would have never expected that at all. Andrew's not a drinker, in ten years I've seen him drunk once...make that twice now.

He called me and he was low, very low. And I hate to say this, I hate to think it. . . I felt very conflicting emotions. One part of me was happy because he had hurt me so much and I wanted him to feel pain. . . another part was hurt that the person I had taken so much time and care for was hurting.

But I didn't comfort him, I didn't console him, I didn't become the normal loving Shanna  I normally do or did.

I told him to vomit, drink some water, take some Tylenol and go to bed...and so he did...

And in the morning he called me and apologized.

Huh? I mean huh?

I wish this were the end. I wish drunk dials were it. . . but this person is Seth's father and this is a lifetime I have to deal with him.... a lifetime. . . . at least Seth's lifetime.

But I choose not to love him any longer. I choose not to have him hurt me. I choose to heal. I choose to fall out of love with him.

I choose happiness...and I choose to fall in love with myself.

1 comment:

  1. I'm happy to see that you've been able to "move past" Andrew and that he'll be able to stay in Seth's life and be a dad. It is hard to stop loving people. Maybe some day when he manages to calm down and "grow up" a little, the two of you will be able to love each other again but in a different way, as two people who have been through a lot together and who are raising a child together.

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