Saturday, February 23, 2013

on memories....

I'm sitting here with my mom, two aunts, and their old family friend, I'm thinking..I'm going to be here again one day with my sisters....I hope.

And it made me realize another thing. . . dysfunction runs deep. They talk about their memories, their good, bad and ugly and believe me there is some real ugly....and it's amazing. I wish I wish I wish I didn't know dysfunction, I wish they didn't either. I wish we could have a lineage of good. . . of pure...of not knowing what abuse was, whether it be sexual, emotional, physical, mental, etc......

Deadbeat dads, drugs, alcohol, starvation, so much more that has happened to my family growing up. To my mom and my dad, to my aunts and uncles, to people I care about....to people I respect more than anything. To people that I'm astonished constantly at their strength and bravery and love.

The fact that these people are still able to love after the pain they have experienced astonishes me. It makes me incredibly sad and absolutely proud to call these people all at the same time.

I never knew that at one point my lineage came from privilege. . . I always assumed that all the way back we were poor, uneducated addicts with mental illness....little did I know that at some point in my family lineage we were "okay".

One person can change a family's history. ONE PERSON. One alcoholic, one drug addict, one person who was sexually molested, one person who was hit or yelled at or hurt....one person can make the whole genetic line spiral down into oblivion.

It makes me think of all the things my family could have been or done if not for the dysfunction that has gone on for four generations now. Four generations is not much of a long time but long enough for fuckedupness to set in, long enough for dysfunction to become the norm, to twist people into shadows of the humans they are supposed to be.

One drink, one smoke, one needle in the arm....it's all it takes to go down into this deep abyss that is almost inescapable.

And sometimes, like Bane in the Batman movie, just sometimes, the person who emerges is not the good person they used to be. They emerge from the dark abyss and they are animals, they are scraps of what they used to be. They've had to fight and snarl and suffer for their success...that suffering breaks you. It takes away from your humanity.

One day I do wish I am sitting here with my sisters talking about our dysfunction. Because my aunts and uncles and parents are now talking about their dysfunction.....they are admitting to it, they are facing it....they are surviving through it.

The one big problem with family is that we hide stuff...we don't face things. We stuff them away in some place in ourselves and try not to look into those deepest corners of ourselves.

And to imagine that years later these women are finally sitting around with coffee, with alcohol, with a karaoke machine and smiles and are able to talk about these very painful, real memories....it's amazing. It's absolutely inspiring.

I know now why I'm in therapy. . . because these emotions, these memories, these realities are so difficult to deal with, so stressful....I couldn't do it any other way. I've just begun to heal myself and I do talk to my sisters about my struggles and they are very receptive and are amazing women themselves, but I don't want to sit in the dark forever.

I don't want to be 50 years old with a lifetime of baggage that I never got rid of.

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