Monday, February 25, 2013

on mothers...

I have a bad relationship with my mother. . . . the worst kind. We smile at each other, we laugh together, we live together in fact, but we don't like each other. We never have. We don't get each other. We don't respect each other.

I live in a world veiled in fakeness. Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake concern..........just all fake.

And then there is the criticism. The narrowed eyes, the forced sighs, the snide all comes out eventually.

I'm never going to be good enough. I'm never going to be the daughter that she wants. I'll still never have mother that I want. I'll never get what I need from her.

I would even venture far enough to say that if my mother were any other person in this world other than my mother...I would hate her. Straight up hate her.

She never admits her faults, never apologizes for anything. She allowed me and my siblings to grow up in a house riddle with domestic violence....she never took us out...she never got us away. She favored two of us....I'm not one of them.

She took out all of her hurt and anger and lost hopes and dreams on us. Some of us she tried to live through, others she tried to oppress so she always had someone to fall back on.

I was opressed. . . . because I love my mom and I always, always, always wanted her approval. As a 30 year old woman I still want her approval so much.

I want my mom to be proud of me...of the parent I've become. To say "hey you are awesome".

I'm always going to give Seth my approval, my love, my heart, because I know how much it hurts not to have those things.

1 comment:

  1. I could have written every single word of this..