Sunday, March 3, 2013

Why I cry...

I cry a lot... I mean tons....

I have always had bleeding heart syndrome, I cry for things that shouldn't even make me sad, things that make no sense whatsoever. So here are a few reasons lately why I cry...because people have been asking..and I'm kind of tire of just answering that I'm sad.

I cry for all the lost dreams I had with Andrew.
I cry that Seth is selectively mute.
I cry because I miss my brother and never really got the chance to know him.
I cry because I'm incredibly lonely.
I cry because I'm 30 and alone, without a job and poor.
I cry because I miss my old life.
I cry for all the kids with DS who don't get a chance to live.
I cry when Seth says something that totally surprises me.
I cry when I hear our song on the radio.
I cry because I've had too much to drink and can't keep emotions in.
I cry when I know you are with her.
I cry when I realize that I've become just like my parents and that I am raising my child in dysfunction.
I cry when I realize no one is ever going to love me again.
I cry when I realize that there is no one on this Earth who accepts me 100%
I cry when you say something nasty to me and I know I shouldn't give a fuck but I do.
I cry when I see people my age living the life I wish I had, that I was supposed to have.
I cry every time I write a blog post, including now.
I cry listening to Shinedown and wishing that I had the strength to follow through with the inspirational lyrics.
I cry reading cheesy romance novels and hoping for an iota of that feeling.
I cry when I pray to God and hear silence answer me back.
I cry after getting off the phone with my family pretending I'm okay.
I cry every time I see that card you got me last year with your and Seth's picture.
I cry thinking of all the hardship I have gone through and all that I still have to go.
I cry after every doctors appointment because I can't fix you.
I cry at every therapy session because, besides this blog, it's the only place I feel safe to say what I feel.
I cry imagining myself in a white dress like I was supposed to this year.
I cry imagining all the moments that I thought were real but are now tainted memories.
I cry every time I hear her name.
I cry every time I hear Seth ask for you.
I cry thinking about the child I wanted to have. I cry with worry over the one I do.
I cry over the future that has no stability, the house that isn't quite a home and the family that is missing a member.

I cry because I'm human....because I care too much...because I feel too much...because I wish too much....

To say I cry because I'm sad is the understatement of the century. I cry because I'm painfully aware and emotionally bare.

I cry because I feel like I'm the only one who sees all that is wrong and I'm utterly helpless to rectify any of it...


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