Tuesday, April 2, 2013

my life imposed Lent

I'm baptized Roman Catholic but I'm not a good little Catholic girl like I should be. I know a lot about the holidays and Lent and Easter and whatnot, but I don't necessarily celebrate or partake in them. I was thinking about Lent this year, I was going to give up thinking about my ex and the many ways in which I could kill him...but then life kind of got in the way. And I realized that life imposed it's own kind of Lent on me.

I got a job three weeks ago...this is my fourth week working. I haven't worked in over six years, haven't done anything but be a mom and nurse and laundry person and person cook and masseuse and teacher and physical therapist and speech therapist and doctor and so many other roles that a mom has to take on, not only just a mom of a child with special needs.

So I work at a daycare now...I'm their teacher and that doesn't mean I just teach. For about 50 hours a week I'm changing diapers, overseeing breakfast, lunch and snack, controlling games and activities and arts and crafts, changing diapers, initiating nap time, administering discipline and the many other things that go along with my job. Did I mention that I change diapers???

I like my job. I enjoy the kids so much. And in so many ways it's like raising the kid that Seth never was. These are typical kids. Kids that can speak and walk and play and run and that aren't always sick. And it made me realize how much I do want another child of my own. . . a typical child....one day.

So about Lent. . .  I worked 50 hours a week, I got sick, I lost my voice, I took care of Seth, Seth was with his dad all of spring break, Seth got sick with a bad ear infection, I got to have a great sushi dinner with a good friend, I remembered my own self worth.....and in a way I got my Lent.

Lent is a period that shows you about yourself. That makes you realize that you are something stronger than what you thought yourself to be. I know I am strong, people tell me all the time, people see my strength, but part of having strength is not always feeling strong, but pretending to be strong. Because these last three weeks I have not wanted to be strong, I've wanted to dig my head in the sand and pretend that the last year had never happened, that I was in the bed with Andrew again and that Seth was sound asleep in the other room.

And every morning when I woke up alone and every night I came home to a different home with my mom and dad and Seth waiting for me, I felt a twinge of sadness, and some nights tears did come and I let them flow.

But this is a chance for a new Shanna, a new life, a new start and just knowing that I can do it all, that I have been doing it all for so long. . . this renewed confidence in myself knowing that I'm so capable. I've not felt like this in a very, very long time.

So life imposed my Lent. I started my new job which taught me that I can do more and be more without some asshole loser in my life. I don't need him to feel good about myself. I don't need anyone to tell me how I should look or talk or act or be like....I'm like me now.

And as much as I miss my old life, and I really, really do, I would never give it up for this feeling of pride I have in myself right now. That is worth a million Andrews, a million kisses, a million hugs and a million meaningless nothings whispered in my ear.

And my first paycheck felt like a million bucks. . . and I'm so going to enjoy spending my own money without worrying about anyone else or needing support from others. Let them say that Shanna can do it all by herself and that she is absolutely fucking amazing. Let them say that there is nothing she can't do when she puts her mind to it. And let them say that Shanna is one of the most intimidating people in this this world because there is NOTHING on or in this world that can get her down.

Let them say that this is just one more medal of honor that she has to show off after the many she has already obtained.

Let them fucking try to get me down again and watch what the fuck I do. I'll be fucking fantastic.

1 comment:

  1. I like your explanation of Lent. My mom grew up Catholic but hated it, and she boycotted any hint of religion while I was growing up. To this day, I thought of Lent as one more thing Catholic people are forced to do and I was glad I didn't have to. Your explanation makes it sound so much more personal and spiritual than that! Maybe I will try my own Lent next year.