Monday, April 15, 2013

on change....

It's no secret that I've changed...a lot....and it's hard to do and it's stressful and I thought I hated it. And now I look back at the past year....and it's very hard to see where I've come from.

But this new Shanna, the one that looked at herself this morning in the mirror, well she didn't seem the least bit familiar....and that made me incredibly sad.

As much as I've changed, as much as I've become better, I still like that old Shanna, I still wanted to retain a piece of her. I've spent the last year trying to run away from that Shanna, the one that got really, really hurt and didn't want to be Shanna anymore.

I lost 45lbs, dyed my hair blonde, cut my hair really short, started wearing different clothes, stopped playing video games.....just way, way too much. I went too far. I lost myself.

And as strange as it may sound, the one thing that has been bothering me, the one thing I've changed the most in my life, my hair, it's been on my mind. I've tried it all lately. Blonde the brown then more blonde and it's crazy.

And then I realized....I like my red fuck that, I LOVE my red hair. I want to be that redhead girl again. I like that person.

Something so very simple that I had attached to my personality, to a set of characteristics that were inherently mine....and one of those things just happens to be having red hair. I was called "red" for years by several people and still am....that's how much it identifies me.

So I'm sitting here with the second round of hair dye on because the first round turned my blonde hair pink....fucking pink....really? Ok so round two... twenty more minutes to go.

That Shanna is very, very far away, but I still can keep bits and pieces of her without sacrificing the person I have become.

I can still have red hair, I can still like video games, I can still watch our (yes our) favorite shows and not have to feel like I'm mourning that person sitting beside me, I can enjoy them alone. I don't have to stop myself from saying "we" when I talk about stuff that my ex and I have done or are doing for Seth. "We" do do those things. I may do more, but "we" are still Seth's parents. I can still call him and discuss our son. I can still have Easter dinner at his moms house because we are fucking cool like that. I can still care about his family because I've known them for ten damn years.

And I can still have red hair and not love my ex.

And next week is my ex's birthday....and I don't have to buy him a fuckin gift either. I stood there on line in Target yesterday, I was buying several things, but there I was, last item in hand, a Green Lantern tshirt for him. And I dropped it in the fucking basket (you know the one that all those chips go in when people are judging you and what you are buying) and told myself "hell fucking no". I don't have to do that. I don't have the be the only person who gives a fuck for him anymore....I'm done being THAT Shanna.

So I'm Shanna...I'm Shanna the redhead....and I fucking love it.


  1. Good... be yourself, and love yourself. You shouldn't have to give up yourself in order to improve your life. Red hair is lovely, and video games never hurt anyone! (Except for those people who play so many video games that they forget to eat and drink and stuff, of course!)