Monday, May 6, 2013

forgiveness

I forgive you. I let go of all the hurt and pain and anguish that my heart and soul have been through for the last year. I forgive myself for caring, for allowing myself to stoop down to your level. I forgive you for not telling me you were no longer in love with me. I forgive you for hurting me so much. I forgive you for ruining part of Seth's childhood.

I forgive you for ruining every Mother's Day and birthday I have had for the last ten years. I forgive you for every time you raised your voice at me or cursed at me or made me feel less than human. I forgive you for all the ER trips I made with Seth alone...I forgive you for not being there for every sleep study and surgery and doctors appointment.

I forgive ten years of hate. I forgive ten years of anger. I forgive ten years of walking on egg shells. I forgive ten years of abuse. I forgive ten years of cooking and cleaning and laundry and not being treated with a shred of decency.

Andrew, I forgive you.

I won't forget. I won't go back. I will continue forward. Forgiveness is not something you will ever be aware of. . .just me. You don't deserve forgiveness but I deserve to be mentally and emotionally free of you so I'm granting it.

There is no revenge, no grandiose plan to make your life a living hell, though I could if I so wished, just forgiveness and indifference.

You don't matter in my life any longer. You hold no power of me. The best revenge I can seek is the one who have already inflected on yourself. . .

You are alone. You are lonely. You are a man who is completely dependent on a woman to have a functional life. You are sat and pathetic and weak and I was your scaffolding for too many years. Without me you have crumbled. Without you I have flourished.

There will always be a small space in my heart for you...but it doesn't have to be in my head as well.

Goodbye Andrew.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

how does Seth feel?

This blog has dealt with my feelings about Down Syndrome and single motherhood and a while other random ideas and thoughts and opinions that kind of scattered their way onto here...but I've never asked myself one question...how does Seth feel about having Down Syndrome? How does Seth feel about mommy and daddy not living together anymore?
How does Seth deal with not seeing me everyday now that I'm working? How does he deal with spending time with grandpa after school or living in a new home or having to go to daddy's house every other weekend? How does he deal? What is going on up in the head of his?

What could Seth tell me if he were able to?

I know he's happy. I know he's as healthy as I can keep him. I know he loves Grandma and Grandpa. I know that he misses his dad. I know that he knows that I'm sad. I know that he knows that I'm gone more than I used to be and is a bit clingy. I know that for the last three months he has slept in my bed every night because he doesn't want to sleep on his own. I know that he screams "no" a bit more than he used to, doesn't look forward to school as much as he used to and is generally a bit more obstinate.

I know that no matter what I do I can't be mom and dad for him. I know that I can't make up for a whole other person being mostly missing from his life. I know I can't financially provide for him as I used to with my ex. I know that he doesn't like our new home and living situation. I know that he misses his own room in his old home. I know he misses not waking up to the sound of dogs barking.

I don't know if he'll ever understand what DS is or means for him. It's all he knows. It's an essential part of his genetic makeup. And sometimes I feel like he is so incredibly gifted and smart that he must know that he's different... that his mind doesn't work the same as others.. and other times I pray that he isn't smart enough to realize that.

I've felt different my whole life. . . and I've hated it. And it is no surprise that these DS issues hit me hard because it reflects all the issues I have had growing up. I never fit it. . . I never belonged. I always felt like a stranger in my own skin. I lived in a world in my own head and I still do everyday. I never talk about my true feelings...or I do with very few people.

I didn't want that for my child, for any child I might have had. And here I am with a child who is most definitely genetically different from the norm.

And I'm scared that I'm raising him in an even more abnormal unstable environment which will add more to his "uniqueness".

Am I really raising the kid with DS who will love Star Wars and Doctor Who and metal music and enjoy reading fine literature and playing video games and going skateboarding?

Am I the mom with the bright red hair and the strange clothes, who quotes Shakespeare and can kick your ass at video games? Or the one who will wait hours in line for the new superhero movie or fantasy novel? 

I guess I am.....

I have to figure it out.

Seth and I.... the very odd pair we are. What a sensation we will make. I guess we are going out in the world to stir some shit up. No more labels. No more identifiers. No more DS or geek or strange or weird or normal or typical or anything.

Just two people.....Shanna and Seth.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

being a single mom on Mother's Day....

Next Sunday is Mother's Day. When I first found out I was becoming a mother it was a week before Mother's Day and my ex and I have a mini celebration where it was like this amazing secret that we got to keep all for ourselves, for at least a little while. Nothing could keep a smile off my face while we sat in the backyard and ate cheeseburgers with mushrooms, bacon and cheddar, because it was exactly what I was craving at three weeks pregnant.

And last year, last year on Mother's Day I was given my final respects, my ex took me and his mother out for sushi and when we got home I couldn't keep up the facade anymore, I had to break the news to her. I broke the news to her that her son and I were breaking up after ten years of being together. And I didn't tell her it was because my ex was in love with someone else, or because he had told me he stopped loving me years ago and only stuck around because of Seth or because I had cheated on my ex five years ago and now that he was unhappy he was suddenly going to use that against me, even though he had claimed to forgive me, claimed to still love me, claimed to want to work things out and I swear we did.....or so I thought.

So Mother's Day. I have no one to wake up extra early and make breakfast for me with Seth. I have no one to bring Seth to the store and have him pick out a special card for me. I have no one telling me to relax and take it easy because it's Mother's Day. No gifts, no sleeping late, no back massages, no special treatment..nothing at all.

No. I have an ex whose girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or fuck buddy or whatever the fuck they are calling each other these days...I have her writing on his calendar that Mother's Day is their one year anniversary. MY FUCKIN' DAY.

Mine. Not hers. Not anyone else. MINE.

She is not a mother, she is not fit to be a mother, she should never, ever have or be around children.

Whereas I, I never wanted to be a mom. And now I can't imagine a life without being one. I can't imagine not hearing Seth's voice everyday and seeing his smile. I can't imagine not having pudding in my pantry and juice in my fridge. I can't imagine not seeing his toys everywhere.

I never wanted to be a mom but I'm a damn good one. I've done all the research, all the doctors appointments and therapies and emergency room trips and surgeries and hospital stays and I've stayed up nights crying over the fate of one little soul...one very helpless little soul and I've begged God to help me figure it all the fuck out. And I became an awesome mom because I've done all of this.

And someone else...this bitch...is going to get the benefit of celebrating on MY day. A day I've earned. Because so many people can have babies but very few of those people can become mothers, real mothers, the ones that love and care and can't breathe and stop and think until they've done all that they can.

Being single on Mother's Day hurts, it hurts on normal days. I know that my ex is not going to do anything for me or have Seth do anything for me and that hurts. Because even if you don't love me anymore you should take the time to realize that without me Seth wouldn't be.

Without me Seth wouldn't be awesome. He wouldn't be reading. He wouldn't be signing over 300 words. He wouldn't be healthy. He might not even be alive if it weren't for me. I've saved Seth in so many ways, emotionally, physically, mentally that I can't imagine what type of child Seth would be if I weren't there to mold him.

Seth is an awesome child. . . and I'm beyond blessed to be his mom. I just never intended to walk this path alone, to make this journey by myself. . . and I hate it. I hate not having anyone to talk to at the end of the day when life is just too hard. I hate not having someone to hold me when I cry because Seth can't or won't do something. I hate having to feel strong all the damn fucking time because there is no one else to lean on.

I hate it.

So this Mother's Day make it a point to think of all the single moms....all those moms hating that it's Mother's Day because believe me I am going to hate it. . . I've been dreading it for weeks now. Think of all they go through everyday and all they yet to go through. And then instead of feeling bad for them, instead of being sorry, if you know any of them ask them if they would like a day off or an hour or if they need help with something. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need to talk. Ask them if they need a babysitter. Tell them they are awesome. Tell them they are doing the best job ever. Tell them that they are strong and can do it.

Because we don't think we can. Because there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. Because we're tired. Because we're sad. Because there is an unbearable loneliness weighing on our souls that not even our awesome children can fill.

Because we are single mothers and most of us didn't go into this position willingly.