Wednesday, May 1, 2013

being a single mom on Mother's Day....

Next Sunday is Mother's Day. When I first found out I was becoming a mother it was a week before Mother's Day and my ex and I have a mini celebration where it was like this amazing secret that we got to keep all for ourselves, for at least a little while. Nothing could keep a smile off my face while we sat in the backyard and ate cheeseburgers with mushrooms, bacon and cheddar, because it was exactly what I was craving at three weeks pregnant.

And last year, last year on Mother's Day I was given my final respects, my ex took me and his mother out for sushi and when we got home I couldn't keep up the facade anymore, I had to break the news to her. I broke the news to her that her son and I were breaking up after ten years of being together. And I didn't tell her it was because my ex was in love with someone else, or because he had told me he stopped loving me years ago and only stuck around because of Seth or because I had cheated on my ex five years ago and now that he was unhappy he was suddenly going to use that against me, even though he had claimed to forgive me, claimed to still love me, claimed to want to work things out and I swear we did.....or so I thought.

So Mother's Day. I have no one to wake up extra early and make breakfast for me with Seth. I have no one to bring Seth to the store and have him pick out a special card for me. I have no one telling me to relax and take it easy because it's Mother's Day. No gifts, no sleeping late, no back massages, no special treatment..nothing at all.

No. I have an ex whose girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or fuck buddy or whatever the fuck they are calling each other these days...I have her writing on his calendar that Mother's Day is their one year anniversary. MY FUCKIN' DAY.

Mine. Not hers. Not anyone else. MINE.

She is not a mother, she is not fit to be a mother, she should never, ever have or be around children.

Whereas I, I never wanted to be a mom. And now I can't imagine a life without being one. I can't imagine not hearing Seth's voice everyday and seeing his smile. I can't imagine not having pudding in my pantry and juice in my fridge. I can't imagine not seeing his toys everywhere.

I never wanted to be a mom but I'm a damn good one. I've done all the research, all the doctors appointments and therapies and emergency room trips and surgeries and hospital stays and I've stayed up nights crying over the fate of one little very helpless little soul and I've begged God to help me figure it all the fuck out. And I became an awesome mom because I've done all of this.

And someone else...this going to get the benefit of celebrating on MY day. A day I've earned. Because so many people can have babies but very few of those people can become mothers, real mothers, the ones that love and care and can't breathe and stop and think until they've done all that they can.

Being single on Mother's Day hurts, it hurts on normal days. I know that my ex is not going to do anything for me or have Seth do anything for me and that hurts. Because even if you don't love me anymore you should take the time to realize that without me Seth wouldn't be.

Without me Seth wouldn't be awesome. He wouldn't be reading. He wouldn't be signing over 300 words. He wouldn't be healthy. He might not even be alive if it weren't for me. I've saved Seth in so many ways, emotionally, physically, mentally that I can't imagine what type of child Seth would be if I weren't there to mold him.

Seth is an awesome child. . . and I'm beyond blessed to be his mom. I just never intended to walk this path alone, to make this journey by myself. . . and I hate it. I hate not having anyone to talk to at the end of the day when life is just too hard. I hate not having someone to hold me when I cry because Seth can't or won't do something. I hate having to feel strong all the damn fucking time because there is no one else to lean on.

I hate it.

So this Mother's Day make it a point to think of all the single moms....all those moms hating that it's Mother's Day because believe me I am going to hate it. . . I've been dreading it for weeks now. Think of all they go through everyday and all they yet to go through. And then instead of feeling bad for them, instead of being sorry, if you know any of them ask them if they would like a day off or an hour or if they need help with something. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they need to talk. Ask them if they need a babysitter. Tell them they are awesome. Tell them they are doing the best job ever. Tell them that they are strong and can do it.

Because we don't think we can. Because there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. Because we're tired. Because we're sad. Because there is an unbearable loneliness weighing on our souls that not even our awesome children can fill.

Because we are single mothers and most of us didn't go into this position willingly.

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