This blog has dealt with my feelings about Down Syndrome and single motherhood and a while other random ideas and thoughts and opinions that kind of scattered their way onto here...but I've never asked myself one question...how does Seth feel about having Down Syndrome? How does Seth feel about mommy and daddy not living together anymore?
How does Seth deal with not seeing me everyday now that I'm working? How does he deal with spending time with grandpa after school or living in a new home or having to go to daddy's house every other weekend? How does he deal? What is going on up in the head of his?
What could Seth tell me if he were able to?
I know he's happy. I know he's as healthy as I can keep him. I know he loves Grandma and Grandpa. I know that he misses his dad. I know that he knows that I'm sad. I know that he knows that I'm gone more than I used to be and is a bit clingy. I know that for the last three months he has slept in my bed every night because he doesn't want to sleep on his own. I know that he screams "no" a bit more than he used to, doesn't look forward to school as much as he used to and is generally a bit more obstinate.
I know that no matter what I do I can't be mom and dad for him. I know that I can't make up for a whole other person being mostly missing from his life. I know I can't financially provide for him as I used to with my ex. I know that he doesn't like our new home and living situation. I know that he misses his own room in his old home. I know he misses not waking up to the sound of dogs barking.
I don't know if he'll ever understand what DS is or means for him. It's all he knows. It's an essential part of his genetic makeup. And sometimes I feel like he is so incredibly gifted and smart that he must know that he's different... that his mind doesn't work the same as others.. and other times I pray that he isn't smart enough to realize that.
I've felt different my whole life. . . and I've hated it. And it is no surprise that these DS issues hit me hard because it reflects all the issues I have had growing up. I never fit it. . . I never belonged. I always felt like a stranger in my own skin. I lived in a world in my own head and I still do everyday. I never talk about my true feelings...or I do with very few people.
I didn't want that for my child, for any child I might have had. And here I am with a child who is most definitely genetically different from the norm.
And I'm scared that I'm raising him in an even more abnormal unstable environment which will add more to his "uniqueness".
Am I really raising the kid with DS who will love Star Wars and Doctor Who and metal music and enjoy reading fine literature and playing video games and going skateboarding?
Am I the mom with the bright red hair and the strange clothes, who quotes Shakespeare and can kick your ass at video games? Or the one who will wait hours in line for the new superhero movie or fantasy novel?
I guess I am.....
I have to figure it out.
Seth and I.... the very odd pair we are. What a sensation we will make. I guess we are going out in the world to stir some shit up. No more labels. No more identifiers. No more DS or geek or strange or weird or normal or typical or anything.
Just two people.....Shanna and Seth.