Saturday, July 6, 2013

A long time coming....

Life has been busy. I work. . . A lot. I'm tired all of the time. I've faced tons of fears. I got all of my teeth fixed over the last two months...for someone who is terrified of dentists that's a big thing. the first appointment I had a panics attack...the last one I rocked out listening to music...big change.

I have money now... Not tons but I can afford things. I can go places and do things. I don't have to worry about money all of the time. . . And yet I'm still not very happy.

And many people say I'm not happy for this reason or that but the truth is that unhappiness is from within. Was I more happy in a relationship? Yes. . But I was still unhappy. I didn't have a job..no money...no ambition....now I have all of those things and no boyfriend....there will always be something we don't have. I have been working at reducing my physical belongings because I just have too much shit and I realized none of it makes me happy....none of it at all...

Wait I have one possession that does make me happy...my kindle ...no not kindle fire ...kindle keyboard...cheap one that is just for reading books. It was a 30 year birthday present to myself and I love it because I love to read. Reading makes me happy.

I look at pictures of myself..much heavier and I see sadness about that. I see sadness about not caring about myself. Now I buy clothing and other nice things for myself. I feel good about myself. I'm not 100% there but I will get there.

This whole loving myself thing has been a very long time coming... Very long. I'm redefining everything I know about me. Who am I? What do I really want? What a,mi going to do with this new life of mine? What can I do now that I don't have to worry about one man controlling everything I do? I have no fuckin clue but it's a hell of a ride finding out.

I still haven't played a video game and wonder about selling all my gaming stuff but once upon a time it made me happy and I would like it to do that again.