Saturday, July 6, 2013

A long time coming....

Life has been busy. I work. . . A lot. I'm tired all of the time. I've faced tons of fears. I got all of my teeth fixed over the last two months...for someone who is terrified of dentists that's a big thing. the first appointment I had a panics attack...the last one I rocked out listening to music...big change.

I have money now... Not tons but I can afford things. I can go places and do things. I don't have to worry about money all of the time. . . And yet I'm still not very happy.

And many people say I'm not happy for this reason or that but the truth is that unhappiness is from within. Was I more happy in a relationship? Yes. . But I was still unhappy. I didn't have a job..no money...no ambition....now I have all of those things and no boyfriend....there will always be something we don't have. I have been working at reducing my physical belongings because I just have too much shit and I realized none of it makes me happy....none of it at all...

Wait I have one possession that does make me happy...my kindle ...no not kindle fire ...kindle keyboard...cheap one that is just for reading books. It was a 30 year birthday present to myself and I love it because I love to read. Reading makes me happy.

I look at pictures of myself..much heavier and I see sadness about that. I see sadness about not caring about myself. Now I buy clothing and other nice things for myself. I feel good about myself. I'm not 100% there but I will get there.

This whole loving myself thing has been a very long time coming... Very long. I'm redefining everything I know about me. Who am I? What do I really want? What a,mi going to do with this new life of mine? What can I do now that I don't have to worry about one man controlling everything I do? I have no fuckin clue but it's a hell of a ride finding out.

I still haven't played a video game and wonder about selling all my gaming stuff but once upon a time it made me happy and I would like it to do that again.

1 comment:

  1. Good for you. Just remember that even though you loved something or an activity 10 years ago doesn't mean a new evolved you will or is supposed to love it now.

    Even people who have not had hard times or lives evolve and find that their tastes, wants and needs continually change. They find that their tastes, wants and needs will change as their children get over and will change in relation to what they want to teach their kids.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a process.

    I know in my 30's things have been WAY different than they were in my 20's. At almost 40, I'm at a point where I am content with not having everything and I'm content with being able to recognize that I don't have to be happy with everything in order to be happy.

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